


Autumn Nights

by withlove_wi



Category: Mamamoo, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Canon Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-12-07 10:50:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20974688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withlove_wi/pseuds/withlove_wi
Summary: And we stand at the opposite ends of the stage, pretending we never shared love on those autumn nights.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s both warm and chilly in September in Old Town, Basel, Switzerland, ambiguous as autumn nears. My long, black coat is covering my light blue dress just enough to keep me warm. The afternoon breeze feels crisp, nostalgic. Such a somber mood I’m sure everyone wants to escape from. No one wants to feel gloomy out of nothing at all, or perhaps they do. This transition from summer to autumn tends to make you feel just that—mysterious, mixed feelings. For me, it’s perfect. It’s not because I enjoy the luxury of sadness. It’s because I take comfort in the way the air not only embraces me with warmth but also hides me for who I am with the cold. I take comfort in the emptiness of the streets, the indistinct chatter I pass by at every corner, the soft music playing at every store, and the blank faces of everyone I see. They don’t know me. I take comfort in that. 

I sing and perform for a living. I have fans, I am quite known where I come from. But here in this place right now, I am just a nobody. A lonesome tourist who wants to explore the world by herself to somehow create a false sense of accomplishment, so I could say to them when I get back, “Yes, I did it on my own. I crossed the seas by myself, I conquered. I’m the master of myself.” But after all this, would I really accomplish something? Would I truly be happy? Have I truly been freed from the bondage that is suffocating me in consequence of my profession? Or have I just escaped momentarily, using this wonderful, foreign land as a fantasy of the life I want to have—a life of freedom?

The narrow streets have become wider as I go near the fair. My ankle boots click-clacking at my every step toward the crowd of beige and monochrome colors, which despite walking in calmness, seems to go pass me in a fast-paced motion. A lot of art enthusiasts from around the world have come to indulge and treat their eyes and mind. Some come with a purpose to buy, some just want to see. Once a year in Basel, Switzerland, comes an extravagant art fair that hosts 280 galleries from different countries, exhibiting the work of at least 4000 artists, both established and emerging. It’s not like there are no art exhibitions in my home country, but I chose to fly here in Switzerland to feel the authenticity of the culture, of the history of where this art world came from, to discover more. Or maybe I just want to feel in general. 

Aside from singing, one of the things I’m most passionate about is arts. My mom is an artist by profession, perhaps I got that side from her. Whenever I hold a brush and start smearing on a white canvas with nothing but colors and my imagination, I feel more alive and myself. It’s not that I don’t like what I do. I dreamt of being a singer, worked hard for it, achieved it. In fact, only few who have a dream like mine could make it in the industry, and for this I’m forever grateful. It’s just that there would be times that it would be unbearable—the expectations to beat your rivals while also having the battle of challenging yourself, the fact that you even have to consider colleagues as rivals, the unreasonable restrictions on things other people can freely do just to avoid tarnishing the image the public has created for you. It’s too much. 

With an anticipating heart and recharged spirit, I clutched the strap of my sling bag tighter to my body and entered a gallery that houses masterpieces inspired by classicism and neoclassicism. The paintings take up the burgundy-colored walls and highlight the aesthetic of the classical antiquity in the Western. A lady swimming in her ball gown trying to seduce someone, a group of soldiers fighting for something or fighting with each other. How I wish I understood classic art. I appreciate the colors and the hard strokes of the paint brush brimming with oil, but the beauty of this art is something beyond my perception. It’s just not me. After a few more strolls, I stepped outside and was welcomed with the chill air of the late afternoon.

Around the corner sits a gallery with an exterior of glasses and blocks of dark colors. Inside you could find displayed all sorts of modern art: pop art, graffiti, abstract expressionism, cubism. Paintings, murals, sculptures, etc., line up the well-lit hallways of the building. Spectators from all ages are enthusiastically scrutinizing every detail of every piece, seemingly trying to find the hidden messages of the artists. Trying to find meaning. Some are straightforward, but some you have to turn upside down to understand. Neo-expressionism, although violent, is sentimental at the same time. Dark but bright. Two completely opposite things complementing each other. Masterpieces that are fitting to admire in such a weather.

I stopped at a painting at the end of the hallway. A canvas only painted with acrylics in deep black but illuminated with a bright spotlight focused at the middle. Unlike other paintings, this one has no placard showing its title. Curious how it magnetized me and kept me thinking about its message. Something dark but lightened. Something deep but superficial. 

This vacation should be something to heal myself from the anxieties and worries I have, not something to spend my whole time dwelling on how empty I feel deep inside. People see me as a joyful and adorable member of my group. We are four and all of us have different personalities. Somehow, the public likes to cage me in this box of funny and bright, always happy girl. Although there’s a cheerful and bright side of me, there is a contrastingly a calm and darker side as well. A personality where light and shadow co-exist. And this is something no one will accept and ever understand.

This painting perfectly reflects me.

A minute passed by that I was still standing in front of the painting when someone hovered over me. I’m suddenly afraid to move with the way my senses are completely invaded. Crisp wood and morning dew. Autumn sunshine and autumn sunset. The tiny hallway feels tinier than ever.

“It’s dark.” He whispered. Low, deep voice in the language I speak.   
I turned my head sideways and looked up and, there, gaped in shock as it came to me who it was. He’s someone I know. I should ask what he’s doing here, but my voice is somewhere else but my body. I just stared at him while he’s still studying the painting that glued me only a few minutes ago.  
He must have sensed that someone only as high as his shoulders was watching him, so he turned and finally glanced. He mirrored the exact same reaction I had just a few moments ago. “Wheein?”  
Still shocked, I only managed to grunt something, and then moved so I could face him properly.   
“I didn’t know you’d be here, too. You’re with someone?” he asked curiously while looking around for some other people who I might be with.  
“No, just alone. You?” Finally, words. I exhaled.  
“Alone, too.” He smiled slightly, apprehensively.  
“Switzerland is half across the world from Korea.”  
“I’m aware.”  
“This is insane.”  
“I know. Would you mind if I poke you to see if you’re real?”  
“I am real.”  
He still proceeded to do so and poked me on my arm. He was shocked once more. “You also came here for Art Basel?”  
“Yes. I only arrived earlier in the morning,” I said as I adapted to having an up close conversation with someone like him. And even though he’s dressed casually in black pants and navy blue shirt and coat, he still feels unreal.  
“Oh, you missed the lectures yesterday. Up and coming neo-expressionism artists showcased their pieces.” He looked so eager to fill the spaces of the awkwardness our very random and coincidental meet-up has caused.  
“You understood them? I mean, you speak another language?”   
“Just watched them. The accent was making it hard for me.”  
“I guess it is for everyone. You arrived yesterday?” I asked, my heart still doesn’t know where to stay.  
“No, the night prior.”  
I sheepishly smiled at him. “I can’t believe out of all places in the world, we would meet here.”  
“Me, too.” He smiled at me too and then shifted his weight in his other foot. “So you like arts, too?”  
“Yes. I’m still practicing sketching and painting. Not a lot of time though with a job like ours.”  
Like a dance, we managed to move on from the long-forgotten painting as a group of spectators came along.   
After a few dead beat minutes, he spoke again, “I guess you like neo-expressionism too. How abstract they are and how they move you mysteriously.”  
I gave him a smile. “Just my thoughts before you showed up. Like they’re using vivid colors on unrecognizable shapes or lines but portray dark messages.”  
We stopped in front of an abstract painting titled Blind.  
“Look at this one,” he suggested. “The shapes are in disarray. The colors are out of lines. But somehow you feel they’re connected that way. And you need hours or days or a long time to understand what it conveys.” I heard excitement in his tone.  
I pondered for a second. “Abstract art does make you think deeper in a way that you know when you get at the bottom of it, you will not only understand the message, you will also relate to it.”  
He smiled. “I couldn’t have put it into better words. This is why I love this type of art. It’s more than just being cool and aesthetically pleasing, they are deep too.”  
“Sometimes the title doesn’t make sense too,” I added.  
“Until they do.”  
We smiled at each other. Because we know how this painting made sense for us in this situation: it doesn’t make sense at all. It just feels we’re meant to meet here oceans away and share this conversation. 

We moved on to another row of abstract paintings and continued to talk while walking.  
“There’s a gallery that was only open yesterday,” he said. “You would have loved the pieces there. Mostly showcases the work of my favorite neo-expressionist, Jean-Michel Basquiat.”  
I stopped walking and gaped at him unbelievingly. “He’s my favorite artist too!”  
It was his time to be shocked. “Really? Another coincidence?”  
“Maybe we’re just too similar.” I started walking again and he followed suit.  
“What’s your favorite painting of his?”  
“Nothing in particular. His paintings just leave a deep impression on me. The use of dark and vivid colors. Each piece has a personality,” I said very eagerly. I didn’t expect to have a very comfortable conversation with him. It’s like we’ve been friends for years.  
He’s still smiling big when he asked, “Do you wanna go out?”   
I looked at him curiously. “Out of here?”  
He laughed. “Yes! So we could talk. It feels suffocating in here.”  
“Don’t you think someone will recognize you?”  
“I’m not a superstar.”  
“You are.”  
“I am a nobody here. Been roaming the streets freely for 2 days now. I guarantee you that.”   
I shrugged. “Well okay, since it’s getting dark outside now, we better head out.”

As I started to take steps toward the exit, he suddenly poked my arm.  
I turned my head and found him hesitating to say something.  
“We haven’t officially greeted each other yet,” he explained. “I want us to meet as ordinary people here in Switzerland, without any trace of being celebrities.”  
I understand. He wants to be someone else here, too. Like me. We’re escaping from something, and he wants us to escape that together. I held out my hand and introduced myself. “I’m Wheein.”  
He shook my hand back, now smiling big. “Nice to meet you. Taehyung.”  
We stared at each other’s eyes as we continued to shake hands. My hand is so small in his big one. It feels warm. I feel safe.

Out in the busy streets with people scattering around finding places to eat or their way home, Taehyung and I walked mindlessly while sharing stories about our passion in arts. It felt surreal to finally have someone to talk about things I usually keep to myself. It even felt more surreal that it’s him and that I met him only half an hour ago.  
We were talking about where each other is staying and the places we’ve visited upon arriving when he changed the topic all of a sudden.  
“I know that this might have been awkward for you considering the last time we saw each other, but I really hope we could be friends here.”  
I looked at him. “Pretty sure it would be an award show. It’s not that awkward, just unusual.”  
“No, I meant the last time we talked,” he said now looking at me like he’s passing a hidden message.  
And only then did I remember. I let out a small laugh. “I ah…” I smiled at him. “It’s been two years. I don’t really think about it a lot.”  
He sighed. “Of course.”  
“No. Don’t. It’s…” I sighed too as I struggled to find words. “It’s not gonna be awkward, unless you’re still interested in me?”  
He waited for a few seconds before saying something. “Yes. I meant no. It’s not gonna be a big deal.”  
“You sure?” I smiled.  
“Yes. It’s not like you’re the only pretty girl in our world.” Suddenly, the lint on his coat is interesting.  
“You asked for their numbers, too?”  
He laughed nervously and then looked at me. “You’re pretty but you’re a bit annoying.”  
I laughed. “At least you still think I’m pretty.”  
We continued to walk and continued our discussion about other things. I expected that this talk would be awkward after that, but in some way, it lightened up the mood.

Two years ago, we met at work overseas. He found me backstage and asked me right there and then for my phone number. Before I could even process the whole situation, someone like him liking me enough to be bold about it, we were interrupted by my manager. After that, we didn’t have a chance to talk anymore. It’s like a blip in my memory. I was not sure it even happened until he brought it up. But isn’t it nice that he still remembers, even if there are no feelings anymore?

“Aside from painting or sketching, what else do you do as a hobby?” He asked.  
“Reading poems, but not a lot these days. I try to write as much as I can as well. Could have been my lyrics in the future. I enjoy singing, too.”  
He acted surprise. “I love singing, too. I never knew you could sing.”  
“Not only that. I can sing while dancing.”  
His eyes lit up. “What a total performer!”   
“Maybe we could sing together someday?” I suggested.  
“Maybe. Are you gonna ask for my number?” His smile was big.  
I shook my head while smiling, amused at his silliness.   
“By the way, let’s eat. My treat.”  
“Not your treat. This is not a date,” I grinned.  
“Is it not?” He grinned back.

The mood of the early evening in Old Town, Basel, was much more alive than the somber mood of the late afternoon. Maybe it’s the street lights, maybe it’s the blossoming night life, or maybe because there’s now someone with whom I can enjoy all of this.

Taehyung is from the most popular boy group in the world. While I was enjoying much of the little time we’re spending in each other’s company, I could not help but worry that someone might recognize him and that it would lead to rumors, igniting a fire, burning our careers. Rumors, no matter how unfounded and untrue, would never convince the public otherwise. However, right now, I just wanted to live in the moment and never let the future worries taint the rare good time I was having.

It feels like I’m walking on a perfect world. Although Old Town may feel old fashioned with its architecture, it also feels alive with the colorful street lights shining on the calm Rhine River. I imagine this is why people come here in Switzerland, to bask in the picturesque view, to revel in the idea of a fairytale world, and I admit this is what I’m feeling at the moment, like I want to go drunk in love. The ambience, the anonymity of the people, every little thing screams romantic. A feeling so opposite from the one I felt earlier in the afternoon. Is it really just the atmosphere of the night?

Overlooking the wonderful view of the river is a traditional Italian restaurant built of red bricks and pathways lined up with cobblestones. Taehyung and I secured a table at the far end and sat opposite each other. We both ordered pasta of our own choice and two glasses of wine.   
“Don’t you think it’s a bit too much that we’re drinking wine together when we just met earlier?” I genuinely asked over the soft music playing in the background.  
“What I think is we would be too weird if we don’t drink wine for dinner. Locals here like their wine so much they even keep it to themselves and never export it. I was about to only ask for water last night but felt like I was alienating the place, so even though I don’t really drink, I gave in.”  
I nodded at his argument. “Well to be fair, we drink soju for dinner, too. Not just on the first date though.”  
“See, you used the word date.”  
I sighed and smiled in disbelief to myself. “Now, you’re the one being a bit annoying.”

Our wine was served earlier than our meal, and Taehyung immediately drank his.  
I watched him take a sip, and then he gestured to me.  
“Go on, taste yours. There’s nothing like it.”  
I picked up mine and looked at him while taking a sip. “Oh, this is nice. They don’t export their wine?”  
“Yes, weird right? If I have something as good as this, wouldn’t I want to share it to the world?” Taehyung said a little bit more enthusiastically.  
“Maybe it’s not really because they don’t want to share it, just that they don’t have enough to share,” I argued.  
“Maybe, I’m just new with this, but…” Suddenly, he leaned in and it seemed like he was telling me a secret. “I don’t really like wine. I don’t understand the hype. They’re bitter and weird, but I just didn’t know that was only because I haven’t tasted the best yet. I felt like the world is being deprived of this goodness.”  
“Wow, you must really be in love with this,” I said as I took another sip. “I’m not really fond of wine, too. I’m more of a beer and soju type, but this one is really good.”  
“Right? I feel like I need to take home 5 cases of this.”  
I laughed softly. “Is that even allowed?”  
“I actually did research and asked some locals in the hotel I’m staying at. They said it’s harvest season this time and I should definitely go to some vineyards at the south and enjoy the wine there.”  
“So, you’ll be going? Or you have an itinerary you have to follow?”  
He pondered for a moment. “I’ll leave the day after tomorrow, so I definitely have to go tomorrow. I think I have had enough of the art fair, so yes, I want to go.” After a few seconds, Taehyung looked at me earnestly and asked, “Do you want to join me? I mean, of course, you just arrived earlier and I don’t want to disturb your plans in the short time you would also be here, but I think it would be better if I do this with someone I know.”  
I smiled at him, and while he was waiting for my answer, our pastas were served.  
“Well?” He asked while looking at me nervously.   
“The art fair will last until the day after tomorrow. I can still go by then.”  
“So, you’ll join me?”  
“Sure,” I smiled.  
He smiled too, the most squarish smile I have seen of him. “Okay. Let’s take the train tomorrow. I’m excited.” Taehyung relaxed and started digging in his food.  
“I’m actually glad you asked. I want to travel more than what I’m doing now. And alone, I won’t be able to do that. I’ll be too scared,” I said and then started eating too.  
“Well, you got yourself half across the world for starters. I think you’ll do fine,” he ended with his soft smile I have yet to get used to.

We remained silent for a few minutes while eating. It’s nice that I can take comfort in this newfound silence with someone I barely know and yet sharing a meal with in such a romantic setting. I think he feels that, too. It’s not at all awkward. It just feels nice. Like we understand each other. Every little move he makes, I take note, and I, he too. The approving nod, the soft little smiles. We are watching each other like we’re painting each other on a blank canvas, like we want to remember every moment.

“Wheein,” my name sweet on his tongue, poisoned by the wine. “Is it okay if I take a picture of you?” He watched me squint for a bit before he added, “I… really like taking photos and you look really pretty tonight.”  
I let out a soft laugh and exhaled. “It’s okay. Don’t walk on eggshells around me. I have decided to do anything freely tonight. Take photos of me, just make sure I really look pretty.”  
He smiled and then brought out his camera from the side. “That’s not a lot of work then.”  
“Should I smile or just do anything comfortably?”  
“Anything would work.” Taehyung took a few snaps while I struck minimal poses in my seat.  
“Can I see?”  
“No, you can’t. I’ll have to adjust the lighting and everything, and then I’ll show them to you.”  
“Noted. I’m expecting a lot more then.” I finished my food when our dessert was served. Panna cotta for me, something called semifreddo for him.  
“We’re going out tomorrow. You’ll probably need more spaces for storage or extra batteries. I know you’re going to take a lot of photos… of me,” I suggested while grinning.  
He smiled, too. “Now, that you mentioned it, I probably would. I’m pretty sure the view would be great.” He was thoughtful for a moment. “I’m thinking of taking videos, too, like shooting for a music video. You in?”  
I lit up at the idea. “Oh, that would be nice! But you can only release it if I’m not in the picture.”  
Taehyung sighed. “You’re right. I almost forgot who I am until you said that. Anyways, we can still do this for fun. I self-directed a music video for my recent song, and the fans liked it. It’s just a simple video of me walking around, but I want to make another one again.”  
“I have to watch that. But whose song this music video is gonna be? Yours or mine?”  
“Maybe I can take so many shots, we can divide them by two.”  
I laughed. “Yes, like we can ever release them.”

Once we’re done with our dinner, Taehyung and I headed out and continued to enjoy the youth of the night. Now, he’s taking photos more freely, not just of me but the most little of things that caught his interest.  
“I like being the muse, rather than the one taking photos,” I declared out of nowhere.  
“Really?” He asked before taking a few snaps of me while the wind was blowing my hair all over my face. “It’s a match then because I really like taking pictures more.”  
“I can tell.” I enjoyed having my photos taken, but it doesn’t make sense if I also don’t take a photo of him. He looks pretty when he’s focused with whatever he’s doing. So I took out my phone and snapped a few shots of him while he’s not aware.  
“Hey!” He called out to me while laughing. “I was not ready. Let me see.”  
“No, I have to adjust the light first or whatever.”  
He laughed more. “You’re so…” he trailed as he found it difficult to say anything.  
“So?”  
“You’re something.”  
“You, too.”  
We smiled at each other, and then Taehyung gestured at something. “That’s where I’m staying.”

It’s a luxurious modern hotel overlooking the river. This must have cost him millions just to stay there. “Wow, it looks pretty,” I said.  
“It does. There’s a pub inside. Do you want to stay for a while? The night is still young.”  
I want to, I want to stay with him longer. It feels like I’m going to waste my time if I don’t spend more time with him, but this happiness feels too much. I don’t deserve this. I have to take it slow. “I might crash in early. Still jetlagged from my flight.”   
“You’re right,” he said while keeping himself from looking defeated. He still wants to spend more time with me, too. “You should take more rest. Tomorrow will be longer.”  
“Where should we meet by the way?”  
“I’ll figure it out later.” And then he grinned all of a sudden, “This is the time I’m going to ask for your number and you will finally give it to me.” He handed me his phone.  
“Well, what you’re gonna get is my Swiss number, so hold your horses.” I keyed in my number and gave it back to him.  
He rang my phone to be sure. “Baby steps,” he whispered.  
“So this is it. Good night. Thank you for accompanying me around,” I held out my hand for a handshake, and he willingly shook it back.  
“Thank you, too. Good night. See you tomorrow.”  
After we said our goodbyes for tonight, we both headed opposite directions, but looking forward to our tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s a sunny morning, and Taehyung is running late on the time we agreed to meet here in the railway station. Our train is about to leave in 10 minutes, and I still can’t glimpse even a shadow of him. While waiting, I sat on one of the benches and took photos of the interior, an architectural style that goes way back 19th century. Low, soft music is playing in the background, a mood that matches well with the weather and the motion of commuters and travelers. Fast but unhurried.  
I opened my inbox and stared at the message I sent to his number a few minutes ago asking where he was and also the conversation we had.  
We ended up talking through text till late last night discussing our itinerary. He is so fond of using cheesy emoticons and text lingos. It almost feels like he’s acting cute. No, he’s really acting cute.  
Still no response after a minute. I’m getting impatient and agitated. Where is he?  
“Wheein!” someone whisper-shouted.  
I looked up and saw Taehyung running toward me, holding tightly on his sling bag and long, khaki coat, under which he’s sporting a black shirt. “I’m sorry, I was looking for you at the other side of the waiting area.” He looks deeply bothered and out of breath. “I should have asked what you’re wearing. I’m not used to meet-ups like this.”  
I sighed and then shook my head at him. He’s cute. “Well, let’s go and hurry.”  
We rushed through the crowd and climbed down the stairs toward the train. Three minutes just in time. We settled by the windows and sat across each other. The train then departed.

“Why did you choose the one we’re going to?” I asked as I set my sling bag on the seat beside me.  
“The receptionist at the hotel recommended this winery in Rivas to me and helped me book us reservation. We’re going to watch how they make wines, do wine tasting, and tour in the vineyard.” Taehyung spoke fast and with eagerness, his eyes lighting up. Is he always this bright?  
I smiled. “I can tell you’re so excited.”  
He smiled, too. “I have never been this excited in a long time. I feel like I’m about to discover something no one has ever experienced before.”  
It’s contagious, his excitement. I have no idea what’s about to unfold. I don’t even have the slightest interest in wine, but he’s like a child in Christmas mornings. You just want to give him all the presents.  
“They said the whole tour might take two hours at most. After that, we can go explore the vineyard and the small town by ourselves,” he added. “I’m ready.” He then pat his bag beside him, indicating his camera.  
“I’m also prepared,” I said and then confidently gestured at my outfit. I’m wearing a long-sleeved yellow pleated dress with black ankle boots, my black trench coat sitting on my lap.  
“I brought you. I’m more prepared,” he countered but with a big smile.  
I smiled back at him and was about to say something in response but got distracted by a notification in my phone. Today’s the day. I sighed and brushed off any weird feelings. Not today.  
Afterward, I found Taehyung thoughtful for a few minutes while gazing outside the window. He had his left hand support his head, and the other clenching at his side. It felt like the mood shifted when his focus was on something else. What was he thinking? He then took out his camera and started taking pictures.  
He must have sensed that I was watching him, so he turned to me. “The view is great. Don’t you want to see?”  
He’s right. The view is stunning. Wide green fields. Some big houses. Icy mountains from afar. Calming, romantic landscape with no trace of people. Something you can only see in Europe. Something I want to enjoy, but right now I only want to look at him.  
When I turned back to him, I found him silently taking photos of me.  
“Why did you choose to come here in Switzerland?” he asked as he browsed the photos he just took before putting down the camera on top of his lap. “I’m sure there are other art fairs around the world.”  
I gave it a thought for a second. “I don’t know. I was just searching it up a few days ago and just decided compulsively.”  
He nodded. “Same thing. We’re finally given a long-term break, so I took this chance. It’s barely we have time to get some healing trip especially on this week. So many things you want to get away from.” He’s smiling but the subtle change in his tone says otherwise. “But you really did not come with anyone?”  
I drew a deep breath and decided to just tell him. “It’s a sudden trip. No one even knows I’m here.”  
He nodded again while trying not to seem curious at all. He then pursed his lips and said, “Are people not looking for you? You must have been gone for more than 2 days now.”  
“I told everyone I would stay at my parents’ house and asked my parents to cover for me. They just don’t know I’m here,” I shared. “How about you? Why are you alone?”  
“I don’t know. I just felt like going. I didn’t know I would find you here.”  
“You told me last night you wanted to meet as ordinary tourists. I’m guessing we’re just the same. We wanted to break free.”  
Taehyung nodded. “You understand, right? Being a celebrity. It’s too much.”  
“I feel nobody compared to you, and I already feel this way. I wouldn’t even dare to imagine what you’re going through.”  
“Don’t say that. I know it must be harder for women in our industry. And all of us may have different feelings but they’re all valid,” he said reassuringly.  
I could only nod and smile at him. Of course he knows, he feels. Behind all that glamor and smiles in front of the camera, there must be a space thirsting to be filled with meaning and purpose or a space so full it wants to explode. I know, I feel, too.

After a few minutes of silently watching each other and occasionally gazing outside the window, Taehyung moved and sat beside me. He offered me a piece of his ear pods and brought the other one to his right ear.  
I took the other end and asked, “What are you going to let me listen to?”  
“My song,” he smiled. “It’s better to listen to this while view-gazing.”  
I chuckled softly but finally put on his ear pod. “You sound like you’re selling me your music.”  
“I need to impress you.”  
“Why? You like me?” I teased him.  
“Maybe.” He teased back.  
I rested my head at my seat and finally looked at him, and that’s when I suddenly realized how close he is.

Perhaps it’s the childish banter, perhaps it’s this whole situation, that I could unashamedly look at him and study him—his face, his little movements, his breathing pattern, his fresh and strong scent. The way the sunlight is illuminating his face and brings out the brown in his eyes. I have never felt so brave in my life.  
“You’re staring,” he whispered.  
“And so are you,” I said softly.  
He looked down and finally pressed play on his music. It opened with soft but strong strumming of guitar and then his deep, deep voice. When I couldn’t take the heaviness his voice brought to my heart, I looked away and started fidgeting the strap of my bag on my lap.  
I always know his voice is this deep. I have listened to their songs, but this time, solely listening to him sing and him being right beside me, it’s both unreal and wonderful. It’s like what he said earlier. I feel like I’m about to discover something no one has even experienced before.  
I closed my eyes and listened intently. It feels like I have been brought to a new place. Alive, peaceful. Free. A place where I can be myself. A place where I want to be right now.

“You’re quiet. Is it okay?” he whispered.  
I opened my eyes and turned to him, my head still resting at my seat. I found him hovering a bit, a little closer than I could take.  
“Yes,” I whispered back. “It’s just my first time listening to your voice.”  
He exhaled and mirrored me, resting his head at his seat, too. “It will take us three hours to get to the vineyard. I’ll play some songs, so we could enjoy the quiet.”  
I nodded and closed my eyes as I continued dwelling into this newfound safe haven that is his voice.

***

“Wheein, Wheein,” a deep voice was calling my name.  
I grunted in response.  
“We have to get off the next stop.”  
Next stop? I thought. It hasn’t been an hour yet. I opened my eyes and found Taehyung hovering. “Are we there yet?” I asked.  
“No, but I think someone was looking at us. We should get off.”  
My body suddenly went on full alert . I sat upright and held onto my bag. My eyes roamed around trying to look for signs of people spying on us. “Are they still here?”  
Taehyung also sat upright but kept his body turned to me. “She must have moved seats when I looked back at her.”  
“Oh god,” I exclaimed under my breath.  
“Next stop would be in 3 minutes. Let’s go.”

Taehyung and I stood up and waited by the door, our bodies conscious to our surroundings. Suddenly, I heard him laughing softly.  
“What’s funny?” I asked.  
“Nothing,” he said looking sideways at me, his head bowed down to hide his face. “It’s just I have never enjoyed running away like this.”  
I smiled at him, because it’s true. Escaping has never been this fun.  
Just as the doors opened, Taehyung and I hurriedly braved through the crowd and found ourselves toward the exit, laughing and giggling, feeling like children playing around. We had no Plan B yet. Where should we go after exiting the train station? How far were we from our destination? We didn’t know. We didn’t care. Right now, we just wanted to escape like it’s the most fun thing in the world.  
Outside, the sun is beaming bright but somehow the heat is staying above the clouds. The volume of the crowd has died down in this station as the day unfolds. Like Basel, Bern is characterized by its old architecture and nostalgic ambience. I watch a couple enjoying their walk along the stony pavement as Taehyung is looking for a car service. It looks picture-perfect, the hand holding, the bright smiles contrasted against the gray building behind. The sunny colors I’m already painting in my head. It makes me crave for something like that, too. To have sunny against the gray. 

“Here’s our car,” Taehyung muttered after a few minutes.  
A black car arrived and stopped in front of us. Taehyung opened the door at the back and let me in first. After instructing the driver a bit of our destination, he slumped down the comforts of the chair. The driver shifted gears and departed.  
“I’m hungry,” he muttered.  
Now that I think about it, I’m hungry myself, too. “Let’s eat first before drinking later.”  
“Why, are you planning to drink a lot?”  
“Such a waste of time and energy if I don’t enjoy as much as I want.”  
He smiled. “Okay, drink as much as you want.”  
I laughed. “I was just kidding, but okay then. As long as you’re willing to take care of my drunk ass.”  
“I will,” he laughed back and then took out his camera. He also asked the driver if he could open the car window to take photos.  
“Why do you like taking photos?” I asked.  
“It was just a hobby before that I grew to love now,” he explained behind his camera. After taking a few more shots, he turned back to me. He then leaned toward me to open the car window by my side, too close that I refused to breathe.  
Taehyung positioned his camera outside behind me and took a few snaps. “I guess I just like capturing the scenery I find beautiful…” he trailed and then shifted the focus of the lens to me, “so I could look back at them from time to time.”  
I smiled. Was he unintentionally making good remarks in general, or was he intentionally flirting? “Let me take photos of you, too,” I offered and then gestured for him to give me his camera.  
After handing it to me, I aimed the lens at him and took a few snaps. He looks so pretty with the fresh wind from outside blowing the strands of his hair. Some caught in his face, both hiding and emphasizing the life in his eyes.  
“Do you have a separate camera for videos?”  
“Glad you asked.” He then took a bigger camera from his bag and fixed the settings before handing it to me, our fingers slightly brushing against each other as I handed him back the small camera.  
I hit record and took shaky shots of him. “Are you going to smile all throughout? Imagine being sad for a while.”  
He laughed. “Why would I act sad?”  
“We’re shooting a music video, remember?” I looked at him and said, “Imagine you just broke up with your girlfriend. We need a story.”

Taehyung and I went on playing with the camcorder and taking videos of each other while also talking about random stuff about ourselves. Being with someone like this, sharing our interests together, I didn’t know I would experience in such a free-spirited way. Everything is new and exciting. Right now, all I want is to live in the moment.

***

After two hours of quiet and laughter, we finally reached our destination. Switzerland is indeed a beautiful country. The wide landscape of green and the rows and terraces of greener. The blue of the quiet lake below. The vivid colors of beige of the houses lining the hills. The soft tweeting of the birds above the sky. The big clouds covering the heat of the sun. The wind carrying the fragrance of the waters and the grapes.  
I am in a perfect world.  
“Wow,” I heard Taehyung muttering under his breath as the sound of the cab departing drowned in the background.  
“I know,” I whispered back, still gazing at the beauty in front of me. “I want to remember this forever.”  
“You will,” he said. “Come on, let’s find our way inside.”

Taehyung led the way toward the wine house, excitement evident on his eager footsteps. The exterior is made up of big granites inconsistently built to emphasize the facility’s roots from its history and traditions. Big flower beds of roses and daisies lined up the walkway. Their scent bringing more personality to the place.  
We were welcomed by a staff speaking to us in English. Taehyung asked something and we were directed to a dining area.  
I smiled to myself. He remembered to eat first.  
The dining area is situated outside the wine house, overlooking the terraces and the Lake Geneva and the border to France.  
The round tables were covered with off-white cloth and decorated with orange and purple flowers, fitting for the mood of the late morning. Little rays of sunshine seep through the makeshift roof made of grapevines. Taehyung and I sat at the one nearest to the edge. Immediately afterward, a staff gave us a menu of traditional Swiss dishes and wine. We settled with cheese fondue and a creamy dish of calf meat and liver served with rice. And for the wine, we chose Pinot Noir, the most predominant grape wine variety in Switzerland.  
“This is our second date,” Taehyung said out of the blue.  
“We’re just eating together, not dating,” I countered playfully.  
He pouted a bit. “Come on, just call it a date. If someone asks you where your last date was and you’re gonna tell them it’s in a famous vineyard in Switzerland, wouldn’t that be amazing? Your boyfriend taking you to another country just to eat what, cheese?”  
I laughed softly at him. “Okay. It’s a date. But only by label.”  
“You’re impossible,” he said laughing. “But really though, when was the last time you were taken on a date?”  
I thought about it for a moment as our wine was being served. I sipped in my glass while thinking of what to answer. “I wasn’t able to date after debuting, but I had a boyfriend before in my hometown. Now that I think about it, that’s a long time ago. And you? How many hearts have you broken?”  
“I lost count,” he said before proceeding to drink his wine, too.  
I gaped at him. “Wow, you’re not even gonna keep some modesty,” I teased.  
He laughed in return. “No, I dated a lot in high school because I couldn’t refuse when someone confessed to me. None was ever serious.”  
“That’s still saying you received so many confessions. You were quite popular, even now.”  
He smiled shyly. “I guess. But imagine not getting the phone number of the girl you actually liked.”  
“Well, maybe the girl just didn’t know what to do in response at that time.”  
“If by any chance I ask this girl again for her number, do you think she’ll finally give it to me?”  
I took a sip of my wine while looking at him. “I don’t see why not. You’re a true gentleman and you have a good sense of humor and you’re good at taking photos.”  
Taehyung tilted his head back to laugh. “Just because I take good photos? I don’t think this girl has even seen the photos I took.”  
“Maybe the girl searched it up last night.”  
“Really?” He asked softly. “Does she think I can take really good photos of her?”  
“Yes, she would love you to take photos of her.”

As we continued to bicker, or flirt, our order was served, and together we enjoyed the food and the breathtaking scenery around us. I just had a date in one of the most beautiful places in the world with one of the most beautiful and kindred spirit I’ve ever met. If only I could, I would tell everyone about this.

The vineyard tour started after we finished our brunch. The female staff who assisted us earlier led us to a room set up like a cinema to show us a film of their wine-making process. Taehyung was so engrossed by everything he’s watching. It must be really his personality—passionate about everything he does. His energy to learn something new is unmatched. He appreciates all things he sees and seems like he is pulling inspiration from them. It feels like I’m here not to watch the film but to watch him ignite with desire and passion. Minute by minute, I could feel weights pulling down my heart. What is this feeling? Instead of my heart beating fast, it’s refusing to and just wants to explode all at once.

After 15 minutes, the short film ended, and we were escorted to a dim-lit hallway of brick walls that leads to the spacious wine cellar decorated with candles and barrels. The room is filled with the aroma of fermented grapes, which in itself is already intoxicating.  
The staff was explaining everything in English about wine-making and the variety of grapes they grow, and Taehyung was listening intently, but occasionally looking at me to smile and say that he’s amazed. We were served with glasses of wine to taste. Taehyung was beaming with delight. His soft giggles, his little body movements. His eyes scream excitement. Meanwhile, I was starting to feel tipsy.  
After going through the wine cellar, she led us through the backyard where hundreds of rows of grapevines are grown. She let us taste each type of grapes and indulge ourselves in this luxury.  
The tour went on for another 20 minutes, tasting wine and eating grapes of green to black. I must have looked tipsier than I would want as Taehyung helped me toward the resting area. I slumped down the bench and rested my head at the top of the wooden table.  
“We didn’t drink that much,” he said while sitting beside me, situating himself so he could imitate me. “I should have been more drunk than you are. You told me your tolerance is really high.”  
“I guess I’m just confident to lower my inhibitions today. Also, I just feel lightheaded. Not totally drunk.”  
He laughed softly. “You’re so cute.”  
“I’m not cute.” I’m pretty sure I pouted, causing him to pout too and repeat that I’m cute.  
I sat upright and so did he. The female staff went over to us again and brought us the wine that Taehyung liked the most earlier and some snacks of cheese and fruits.  
I laughed at the sight.  
“Why? What’s funny?” He asked as he poured the drink into our glasses.  
“I can’t believe I really went here just to get drunk. I couldn’t even remember what happened in the span of 1 hour. And now I’m going to drink again. This is the happiest day of my life.”  
He was smiling as he handed me a glass. “For the happiest day of our life, let’s toast.”  
“Cheers!” We exclaimed in unison, laughing, glad that there was nobody around.

Taehyung finally took out his camera and camcorder again and alternated between taking pictures and videos of me and the scenery.  
“Who’s prettier? Me or the sky?” I asked. Now, I’m sure I’m really tipsy.  
He laughed softly. “What do you want me to say?”  
“Of course tell me I’m pretty.”  
“You’re pretty,” he said behind his camera, the lens focused on me.  
I laughed. “You’re just saying that because I told you so.”  
He laughed too and then looked at me through his own eyes. “Wheein,” he called to me, suddenly making me focus on the stain of wine on his lips. “You are pretty and beautiful, and you don’t need anyone’s validation to make it true. It’s already true.”  
I stopped giggling for a while and then smiled at him. I also poured myself another glass, because what else can you say to that?  
“Come on, let’s walk around and start taking more photos,” I said. My cheeks feeling hot from the burning sensation inside, but I have the wine to blame for that. Or do I? 

Taehyung followed me with his camera. The afternoon heat is brimming in the air but is being washed away with the coolness of the wind.  
I have never been this carefree in a while, laughing and bickering with someone else, while also throwing praises on how each other looks pleasing through the lens. This is a scene in the movies. Unreal and something that would reach an end.  
I don’t want this to end. 

Soon after, Taehyung and I decided to leave the vineyard and walk along the lakeshore. We brought the bottle and glasses with us and then climbed down the terraces toward the road and the lake. Upon arriving, we picked a spot where we could leave our belongings for a while, so we can continue taking turns capturing every moment on film.  
The waters are calm against the shore of big stones, some covered with moss and some with fallen twigs and leaves, with small flowers lining up the pathway. The birds and the wind are drowned by the sound of the cars and train above. Scenery that I still cannot believe I’m living in the moment. Scenery that soon I need to forget.

We started walking in the quiet and comfort of nature when suddenly the calm of the waters hits me like a wave. My heart feels empty and void, yet full and restrained, of things I’m unsure of. All these feelings but nothing is clear.  
I exhaled and closed my eyes, reveling in the touch of the sunlight and wind over my skin. I almost forgot about today, and now that my senses are heightened in this isolated place where there are only two of us, everything I have been feeling until yesterday suddenly came back. Like it wants me to remember why I’m here, why I don’t want anyone to know. Like it wants me to feel the pain or the lack thereof. Like it wants to tell me I can never escape.  
“Have you ever thought about what it’s like to be a lake?” I asked out of nowhere, looking over the waters and as far as my eyes could take me. “It’s just there surrounded by everyone, existing in peace but nowhere to go to. Unlike the rivers that eventually flow to the seas, lakes are just there, trapped. Caged.” I looked at him and found him intently listening to me, probably wondering why I’m saying such things. “For me, living feels like being a lake sometimes. Everyone already has set expectations for me. They think they know me, so they box me into this enclosed area and just want me to stay there, like they don't want me to change and grow up. And I want to. I want to be more than I am today. I want to flow to the seas, too.”  
Maybe it’s the wine that is making me brave to suddenly tell him about all my feelings, or because I’ve been dying to tell someone who knows, who understands. “I should be in Korea today, performing my new song, meeting fans, but I can’t. Everything feels heavy. I just want to get away.”  
“I really like singing, performing onstage,” I continued. “But not meeting everyone’s expectations, just the thought of it is killing me inside. I have become someone who succumbs to these expectations, and I don’t want that anymore. I want to do something that I want without the pressure of everyone else.”  
Taehyung remained quiet as I confessed to him my deepest thoughts. He’s just there silently walking with me through all this pain I wanted to let out.  
I exhaled and asked him, “Is it okay to spend time with myself like this? Far from everyone even though they’re expecting a lot from me?”  
Taehyung smiled back at me and nodded, genuineness reflected in his eyes.  
We continued to walk in silence. Taehyung was uneasy and hesitant of doing something, like he wasn't sure of what to say to me.  
“Can I hold your hand?” he finally asked, sweat almost breaking under his skin.  
“My hand?” I was flustered at his question and just offered him my right hand.  
Strong warm hand engulfed the small of mine, encasing me, protecting me. We continued to walk again in silence, only this time there's something linking the two of us in the most intimate way: understanding. Understanding in the guise of silence. Him comforting me by asking to hold my hand, this is the most affection I have felt in a long while. The respect that he has for me at this moment, my heart is overflowing with gratitude and warmth.  
I must have been looking at him with heartfelt expression for a while, so he stopped us in our tracks and faced me, shielding me from the glare of the sun. “Are you going to cry?”  
“No,” my voice breaking.  
“Is it because I’m holding your hand?”  
I shook my head, tears now welling up in my eyes. “You asked to hold my hand.”  
“I’m sorry,” he said, his eyes speaking concern.  
“No. Thank you. I need this. Can I hug you?”  
Even without waiting for his answer, I already went ahead and hugged him. His body is just as warm as his personality. I feel safe. I feel comforted by just his presence.  
Taehyung then hugged me back and said, “It’s okay. Just cry.”  
And I cried.

I cried all the pain, all the emptiness, all the worries sitting at the deepest of my heart. All the pent up frustrations and pressure. I was told crying is for the weak. You should own up to your own decisions and mistakes. There’s no time to be overdramatic. Just accept what’s been given to you. Accept. And I believed that. I was not okay, but they said I chose this path, this career. I should have known the consequences. I should just… accept. Because they said it would be easier to move on with your life and set higher goals for yourself. But it’s not. And I kept all of these feelings deep within me.  
Until now. Someone listened. Someone held me. Someone told me it’s okay. Someone told me to just… cry.  
And I cried.

I was sobbing hard against his chest, but Taehyung held me even more tightly. I finally looked up at him and saw him tearing up, too.  
“I also needed the hug,” he explained, but with a smile so warm I wanted to cry even harder.  
“Thank you,” I said and loosened up my hug with him a little bit. “I’m sorry. Your shirt must be full of tears and snot.  
Taehyung laughed softly and then messed with my hair. “It’s okay. There are snots on your head, too.”  
“What?” I exclaimed laughing.  
He reciprocated the laughter, but then his eyes started to soften more. I could tell he’s worried about me. One of his hands were holding my waist, and the other one caressing my hair. “We just became friends but you’re already trusting me with a personal matter. You’re even letting me hold you this close.”  
“Is this weird?” I asked, but I know for me it’s not. This encounter is the most spontaneous yet normal I have ever had. It just feels right.  
“No, what I want to say is, even though we just became friends, I am grateful that you could trust me. And you know that you can always talk to me, right? Even after all of this, after Switzerland. I will listen and hold your hand the whole time.”  
“Thank you,” I said once again.  
I pulled him closer to me again because right now his presence is my healing. And I don’t want to let go.


	3. Chapter 3

As the afternoon stretched out, Taehyung and I have explored the small town in Lavaux and talked to some locals, going from store to store. I could only understand a few, but he was really good at it. Even though there’s language barrier, his charms carried the conversation. All the time he was holding me near him. I don’t think I would get lost, but I guess I must have drunk a lot than usual, so he wanted to keep me in place.  
The wine houses, small restaurants, and residential homes are connected by narrow asphalted streets, with flowers decorating the pavement. The wind has become stronger, bringing in together fallen leaves and the fragrance of the grapes, wine, and flowers. This must be the reason why I still couldn’t shaken off the tipsiness I caused myself earlier. The ambience alone makes you intoxicated.  
“Why are you holding me close?” I asked him as we exited a store of cheese, paper bags in hand. I looked up at him, my head grazing his shoulder. His arm was wrapped around my body and rested at my waist.  
“You’re the one clinging to me,” his eyes were sparkling with amusement.  
I looked down and saw that indeed my arms were enclosing him, but I did not make a move to pull back. How were we walking glued like this? “Sorry.”  
“It’s okay. You’re a bit wobbly. Do you want to have dinner now?” he asked looking down at me.  
“Yes. I would die for actual Korean food this time.”  
Finally, I loosened my grip on him and squinted my eyes and pointed at a restaurant at the end of the street. “Let’s eat.”  
“All we did today is eat and drink.”  
“This is why this is the best day ever!” I exclaimed, my high-pitched voice getting ahead of me. I am so drunk and so full of energy.  
“So cute,” he said to himself, laughing, and then he pulled me closer to him as we headed to the restaurant.

Some tourists also filled the place, couples and families enjoying their time and food together. Taehyung led me to a table for two, with a perfect view of the small stage at the center. A piano was seated in the middle, waiting to be played. We immediately ordered our food, and of course, wine is in the menu. One just can’t get enough of it.  
“This is so romantic,” I said, still feeling tipsy and lightheaded. Seriously, I need to stop drinking. “I have never had a romantic dinner, and I have never been this drunk even before eating. I don’t know myself anymore. I feel like a new person. What should I do? I really need to stop drinking.”  
He smiled. “But you’re still conscious, right?”  
I nodded, a pout probably coming with it.  
“Then just do whatever you want. I’ll take care of you.”  
“Okay, because honestly I still want to drink.” I looked around the place and took note of everyone enjoying their drinks. “Their wine here in Switzerland is honestly good. Why are they keeping this to themselves? I don’t even like wine, but now I just don’t want to stop. I will really take home 5 cases of it. No! Five barrels!”  
After my rant, I found Taehyung watching me with his head propped with his left hand, like he’s amused watching me babble with every random thing I say.  
“You’re usually quiet today, but you don’t stop when you start talking.”  
“I think I absorbed your energy when I started clinging onto you.”  
“You think?” He said sarcastically.  
“By the way, what time are you leaving tomorrow?”  
My question must have hit him so suddenly, he looked surprised and then sad. “Right. I’m gonna leave tomorrow. My flight would be at noon. You, how many days will you stay before you leave?”  
“Two days. I will be bored for two days.”  
“You can still do a lot of things in the city.”  
“But without you.”  
He smiled but with sadness this time. “If only I could stay longer.”  
We were quiet for a few minutes before Taehyung said something. “I was just thinking about how we have been doing my thing all day. Let’s do whatever you want tonight.”  
I squinted my eyes at him. “You sure?”  
“Yup. It’s not like I have anything planned tonight. Plus, I dragged you all the way here. I’d like to return the favor,” he said his eyes sparkling.  
“Okay then,” I smiled. Thinking about how I rejected his offer last night and regretting it at this very moment. I wanted to spend more time with him. “Anyways, what are we even going to do that’s my thing that is not your thing? I’m now convinced we tend to like the same things.”  
“I doubt that. We couldn’t be that similar.”  
“Try me,” I said, propping my head with both my hands, challenging him.  
“Okay we have the same favorite artist. How about favorite singer at this moment?”  
“That’s a very broad question. Our answers will never match.”  
“Why are you afraid of saying differently from me?”  
“I’m trying to prove a point, right?” I laughed.  
“Just tell me about the artist you like right now. I’ll tell you if I like them, too.”  
I thought about it. “I really like R&B soul, and the spectrum of artists I listen to in that genre is broad, but they’re who I like to listen to the most.”  
He nodded, seeming to agree with the genre I said I like.  
“But there’s an artist that comes to mind,” I confessed saying the name of one of my favorite artists.  
He squinted his eyes at me. “You sure you didn’t search about the singers I like before this?”  
It’s my turn to be surprised. “It’s true? You like her, too.”  
“Yes,” he was trying to sound defeated, but he’s actually amused. “I mean there are a bunch of other artists I like, too. I really can’t explicitly say that she is my most favorite, but there’s a time where I could only listen to her songs.”  
“Okay, that’s one thing,” I said laughing. “I like Sam Kim, too. His voice is so heavenly.”  
Taehyung nodded and pursed his lips, and then said, “How about V?”  
“I don’t know, I just listened to his songs earlier,” I playfully answered.  
“Listen to him more, maybe you’ll start to like him.”  
I just giggled at that. I didn’t mean, too, but he’s cute when he’s so obviously jealous.  
Thankfully for Taehyung, our food was served together with another glasses of wine. We started digging to our plate while continuing our discussion.  
“How about favorite movie?” He asked.  
“I don’t watch a lot of movies,” I pouted. “My options are not broad this time.”  
“Then we’ll know better if we really like the same things.”  
“I like movies that are aesthetically pleasing. You know, by just looking at the picture, you already want to fall in love.”  
“You must be hopelessly romantic.”  
“I bet you are, too! Artists tend to be like that.”  
“I guess. So what’s your favorite movie?”  
“I like Spirited Away and, especially, About Time. The lines are so romantic, especially the last line, I fell in love with that.”  
“Something about relishing everyday of our lives.”  
“You know this line, too?” I asked gaping at him, my voice a little bit high-pitched for my liking, or anyone else’s.  
“I’m in love with this movie,” he confessed, smiling.  
“You’re kidding.”  
“I hope I’m not, but you heard me saying the line, right?”  
“I was just joking earlier about us tending to like the same things, but wow, it’s a bit crazy, don’t you think?” Then, I gulped down the half of my wine glass.  
“It is. What’s your favorite scene?”  
“I liked when the guy did everything to pursue the girl he likes even though it was bordering to stalkerish. I thought, ah that’s what you do when you really like someone. You?”  
“The proposal scene.”  
I nodded. I like that scene, too.  
“It’s just so simple. No grand gesture, even though he tried,” he laughed at the thought. He must be remembering that scene. “It’s just love. So genuine. So sincere.”  
I watched him reminisce the movie in his eyes, and I’m right. It’s not the wine that is making me drunk. It’s him.

As we were enjoying our last dessert, hopefully, the soft music overhead was cut short. I turned my head and found a female staff arranging something in the center stage. It seems like someone would play the piano.  
I looked back at Taehyung and told him he should play, too.  
“How did you know I can play piano?” he asked.  
“Don’t you? I just assumed.”  
He pursed his lips and nodded. “I can play a bit, but will that be okay?”  
I looked around. A guy sat in front of the piano and started to play a mellow piece. “I don’t think anyone would recognize you, unless you’ll play hard? And didn’t you say just earlier we’re gonna do my thing tonight?” Then, I put on my cutest voice. “Please, just play one song.”  
He laughed nervously. “You can’t act cute in front of me and expect me to say no.”  
I smiled playfully. “Please,” I begged again, this time using my high-pitched voice, if that’s even more possible.  
“Fine,” he said, finally giving in. “What song should I play?”  
“Of course play the one you want to,” I said very enthusiastically.  
Taehyung pondered for a minute and then gave me a smile, a bit of sadness peeking in his eyes.  
“You finally have something in mind?”  
“Yes.”  
“Is it the one you let me listen to earlier? Your recent song?”  
He nodded. “Thank you for asking me to play.”  
After a few moments, he stood up and asked the staff if he could play. He immediately sat on the piano chair as soon as the other guy left. I stood up and took my phone and started recording. I wanted to keep this memory as mine.  
Taehyung positioned his hands over the keys but paused for a few seconds, closing his eyes, breathing heavily, like he’s praying. The heaviness his heart might be feeling at the moment is delivered to me. It’s like he’s passing me a message he wants me to listen to. Taehyung, I will listen, too.  
The moment he pressed on those keys, his fingers playing around the chords, his eyes staying close, his deep voice coming out softly, like he wants to sing to himself only. Or have the one to whom he is singing to hear him, his message.  
This song is his love letter.  
And even though I don’t understand, somehow, I know, I feel.  
The strokes of his keys went heavier as his emotions were heightened. But just as soon as it started, it had ended quickly, the notes being ridden to stop an endless loop.  
Taehyung exhaled heavily after playing but smiled as soon as he heard the soft applauses for him. He went straight to me and then hugged me. My arms were squished between us.  
“Thank you for being with me yesterday and today. You made it easier,” he said, his voice breaking, wanting to cry.  
I moved my arms, so I could hug him back. It feels like I’m giving back the comfort he gave me earlier. Both of us meeting each other at the most bizarre circumstance, not knowing it’s because we needed each other. At the right place, at the right time. 

It’s only past 8 o’clock when we started heading our way to the train station. Taehyung and I are walking real close this time because it seems that even my trench coat is not enough to break the wind of the night. The coolness of the air brought from the alps, the lake, and the trees is cooperating against my favor.  
“I don’t know how to survive this. Should have drunk more wine before we headed out,” I said. My arms were wrapped around my body, and so were Taehyung’s around mine. If it were not for the cold, I would think we just really like hugging each other.  
“You know that I bought two bottles earlier, right? You could drink before we board the train.”  
“You always take my words seriously. Or you just like spoiling me.”  
He laughed. “Let me spoil you while I can.”  
He then let go of me and pulled out one bottle from his bag. He drank first before handing it to me.  
I hungrily drank from the same mouth of wine bottle he opened. The spirit of the sudden intake of alcohol gives my body temporary heat.  
“That helped?” He took the bottle from me again and drank.  
“I think this will come back to me tomorrow like a tsunami. We’ve been drinking since morning!”  
He just smiled at me and then handed me the bottle again.  
After taking a few more chugs, we resumed our walk again.

Luckily, there were only two of us within 20 rows of seats in the train. Instead of us sitting across each other when we boarded the train earlier in the morning, we sat beside each other now, like it’s a matter of fact. Like being clingy is the most natural thing to us when we just met as strangers the previous day.  
So many things changed.  
My head feeling heavy and thoughts light with all the alcohol I consumed, I slumped down the chair and faced him, who’s also doing the same as me.  
“You really like imitating me,” I said.  
“You noticed?”  
“You’re the only one I’ve been talking to for the last two days, it’s not that hard to notice.”  
He laughed softly. He’s too close I could smell the wine from his mouth, too close I could see the small wrinkles around his eyes, and too close I could almost hear his heart beating.  
“Have your eyebrows always been this thick?” I asked.  
“Has your dimple always been this deep?” He asked in return.  
“Have your teeth always been this perfect?”  
“Has your nose always been this high?”  
“Has your…” I trailed and squinted my eyes, praying to find answers in the depths of his eyebrows because I couldn’t think of anything else.  
He laughed. “Have my…”  
“Have you always been this handsome?”  
He smiled at my question. “You, have you always been this pretty?”  
I smiled at his question, too. As I look at him more, I just want to look at him more and more and more. I want to remember this. I want to tattoo this on my mind. He’s going to be the masterpiece so priceless no one is even allowed to look at.  
“I want to draw you,” I said. My heart is full of anticipation.  
“Really?”  
“My sketchbook and pens are in my hotel. Are you in?”  
He looked at me, searching my eyes for any hesitations. “Are you sure? I might end up staying very late if you want to draw me.”  
“Sure, why not?” I smiled at him.  
“Okay.”  
“Okay,” I repeated, trying my best to hide my excitement.

I remember this particular song that I like. It keeps playing in my head as Taehyung and I continued enjoying the break of the night, sharing funny and random stories throughout the train ride. I’ve been hearing him laugh ever since we met, the soft giggles, the loud, deep chuckles, but I still can’t get enough of it. He laughs with his whole body, he laughs with his whole heart. He laughs like this certain story is the best he has ever heard yet. I want to hear him laugh more. The laughter I have seen before but only now that I learn to adore.  
Just like in the song, it feels like a gift just for me. Everything I brushed off before now looks pretty. Even this supposedly ordinary day of just being alone by myself becomes a little bit more special. Everything feels so special. 

With the casual talks, listening to some music, constant staring at each other, the cold air, and Taehyung’s warm presence, I feel so much in peace. Added with the alcohol in my system, I fell asleep serenely in the middle of our travel and was only woken up once we arrived in Basel.  
“No one was watching us,” he reassured me while holding me steady as we got off the train. Sleep plus tipsiness do make you walk funnier than you already do.  
The vibe of the night in the city is a lot more colorful than the calm of the vineyards and terraces and the lake. The street lights were flickering over every heart indulging in the luxury of the night. Couples of all ages and gender whose love makes me jealous, whose happy faces I want for me. Everyday. Freely.  
I held onto Taehyung more tightly, getting sad at the thought. I don’t want to take for granted this freedom I have right now. Because I know when the clock strikes 12, everything needs to go back to normal.  
We were walking toward my hotel when we spotted a group of musicians busking in front of a cinema. Taehyung and I stopped for a while and watched them perform mellow music with their piano and strings. I clung unto him, my arms hugging him from the side, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. We almost look like a perfect couple, except that nothing between us is real.  
“I want to sing,” I muttered under my breath.  
Taehyung looked at me. “With them?”  
“Do you think they’ll allow me?”  
“They look very carefree. I think they won’t mind. What do want to sing?”  
I smiled at him. “I’ll go ask.”

I let go of him and braved myself to the pianist as their set ended.  
“Can I sing?” I asked in English.  
“Sing? Your voice good?” The pianist asked.  
“I’m a singer.” I then asked if he knew this particular song I wanted to sing.  
He looked at his guitarist and talked in their language.  
After seemingly searching for the chords in their tablet, they handed me a mic and gestured me to sing.  
I smiled to myself and faced the crowd. Some people were curious, some were just going on their way, but Taehyung was there, his camcorder in hand, anticipating me.  
The music started playing. I drew a deep breath and sang.

I have always loved this song and turn to this for comfort. It says for me, there will be no more crying and that the sun will keep shining. And even though no one is singing this particularly for me, just knowing that someone is there for you, knowing that when you’re with them, everything is alright. Just the idea of someone wishing you all the love in the whole world can already give you hope and comfort. I guess, like what Taehyung did earlier when he played the piano and sang softly to himself, I also wanted to sing this song for myself. And the songbird keeps singing like they know the score. And I’ll love you, I’ll love you, I’ll love you like never before.  
This is my love letter. To me.

I kept my eyes closed for a few moments after hitting my last note, relishing in the feeling of singing and performing freely without the expecting eyes of everyone, of singing for myself and not for competitions and rivalry, just singing freely. I finally opened my eyes at the last keystroke, followed by soft applauses of a crowd who only knows me as the nameless girl in a long black coat over a yellow dress. I’m happy as I’ll ever be.  
I looked at Taehyung and smiled at him big. He’s giving me thumbs up, all the while still recording me.  
After I gave back the mic to the pianist, who also returned big smiles to me, I immediately ran into Taehyung and held his hand.  
“Let’s go before someone recognizes you,” I whispered.  
He laughed softly but also gathered his things, so we could run away.

We were laughing, carefree, while holding hands as we made our way to my hotel. We almost got lost with all our antics but eventually found our way to the lobby a few minutes after. We were conscious not to show Taehyung’s face toward the hotel cameras, so he kept his head bowed down, resting on mine, until we got to the elevators. We were even more conscious, so I told him to just hug me and keep his head down.  
As soon as we got to my room, Taehyung ran to the couch and plopped down. I kicked off my boots and coat and then did the same next to him.  
“I’m so tired,” I whined. “And drunk.”  
He laughed. “I’m surprised it didn’t even show when you were singing earlier.”  
“But you know what? I still want to drink more.” I thought about it for a few seconds. “How about let’s drink more?"  
“Are you sure you can still handle it?”  
“Yes. One more glass won’t hurt.”  
Taehyung looked at me one more time but also looked around and got up and poured me another drink from the wine sitting at the table top.  
“This place is nice,” he said.  
My eyes roamed around the room. Classic interior, small chandelier in the middle, spacious living area with a dining table at the side.  
“It is,” I remarked. “It looks so romantic. It's so weird that I find everything here in Switzerland romantic.”  
Then, I walked toward the bedroom to get my sketchbook and pen. I sat down the couch again and then propped my legs above the coffee table, my legs slightly feeling relieved.  
“Wow, I didn’t know my legs are this tired,” I said as he handed me my glass. I sipped my wine and then placed it above the table, too.  
Taehyung sat beside me again and started drinking quietly.  
“I’m excited to draw you,” I said.  
His eyes smiled.  
“But I’m also nervous. I don’t think it will it come out pretty well.”  
He laughed. “Just do it comfortably. I know you’ll do well.”  
“You sure? You won’t mind if you come out looking like an alien?”  
He laughed again. “I’m not worried. Just go on.” He then took a sip of his wine, licked his lips, and then set it down next to my glass. “Come on, give me your legs.”  
“What?” I said in shock. “You’re weird.”  
He was shocked with what he said too but then just laughed it out. “I’m sorry. I meant your feet must be tired from walking a lot. I’m really good at massage.”  
I squinted at him. “Okay, but you have to at least tell me something about you that no one else knows.”  
He smiled big. “Okay, in exchange of the sketch.”  
“And my legs, too!” I laughed. “Wait, let me go wash up first.” I stood up again and walked toward the bedroom. “How about you? You need change of clothes?” I asked looking back at him from the door.  
“Why? Will I stay overnight?” He looked apprehensive.  
“Why are you so nervous about staying overnight? It’s not like we’re gonna do something. I’m just gonna draw you, and I need you to be feeling comfortable.” Wow, there’s something with Swiss wine for making me this bold and brave.  
“I just don’t want you to feel weird about me being here.”  
“Hey, I’m the one who invited you. It’s fine for me even if you stay overnight. I trust you, Taehyung.”  
He sighed and then smiled. “Okay then. If that’s the case, I really need a change of clothes because I feel like I’m crawling under my skin.”  
“At your service, my majesty.”

I went through the bedroom closet and found the complementary royal blue silk pajamas. There are two sets. I gave Taehyung the bigger one, and the smaller one for me. With these couple pajamas, it feels like we’re on our honeymoon.  
We took turns using the shower room, and I have never been so grateful for the wine. Because Taehyung was right, it’s bound to get weird for me, but the wine helped. So I drank more and more while waiting for him.  
I put on lotion, did my skincare, and combed my hair. I have never been so conscious about my appearance until now. I was even debating if I should still put on makeup or just let the alcohol do its wonders. I just decided on the latter.  
When Taehyung came out from shower, I was already at the couch leaning on its arm, my legs in front of me. He was drying his hair with the towel and looking so fresh. I almost couldn’t look away. He just looks endearing. His skin looks so soft, his lips look so smooth.  
“Wipe your drool,” he said as he sat down in front of me. He then picked up the glass in front of him and drank from it.  
“That’s mine,” I whined.  
“You’re whining like that as if you haven’t been staring at my lips the whole day.”  
I gaped at him. The wine has made him braver, too. He couldn’t even hold my hand without asking me first earlier. “That’s how I usually listen to people. I read their lips, too.”  
“Does reading lips also include licking your lips afterward?”  
“I don’t!” I exclaimed, defensiveness coloring my tone, but I know he’s not wrong. “Are you implying that I like you?”  
“Maybe you do.”  
Maybe I do.  
I just snarled at him playfully. “You said you’re going to massage my feet and legs. I’m waiting.”  
He shook his head at me and then put my feet onto his lap.  
“This is so weird,” I said as he started massaging my feet in circles. “You have a weird fetish on hand holding and, apparently, feet.”  
“I usually prefer more than hand holding but I wasn’t sure if you’re timid with hugs, and it turns out you’re very clingy yourself.”  
“It’s just the wine,” I said putting the blame on my new favorite innocent drink.  
Taehyung kept on massaging the heels of my feet, and I was trying my best to keep my composure. “You’re really good at this.”  
“I guess this is just what I learned from my parents. They’re both busy, but my father has never forgotten to massage my mother’s feet after a day of working.”  
“That’s so sweet,” I said. The mood of the night continued to be lighthearted but this time a lot softer with his story.  
I took my sketchbook and pencil again. Now, watching him intently, trying to start penciling the outline of his face. A day together is still not enough to catch all the details of his face. There’s always something new I find engaging, be it how long his eyelashes is or the tiny mole at the tip of his nose. Or his heart-shaped lips.  
“They really are. They still find time to show their affection to each other no matter how busy they are.”  
“Couples who live like that are so ideal. I’m glad my mom found something like that again.”  
“Do you think you’ll be able to find someone to love like this, too?”  
I paused at his question, his hands still massaging my feet. “I hope I do. I’m someone who likes giving love.”  
“What if that love has already come to you at an unfortunate time and you let it go away, will you settle for less just for the sake of giving love?” Taehyung was focusing on his hands on my feet, like his questions are not at all serious.  
“Do you mean, like in this industry we’re living in, what if that love has come to me at the peak of my career, where choosing love over it seems impractical and stupid?”  
He nodded, this time looking at me, his hands paused from moving.  
“Is it a question you want to ask me or a question you want to ask yourself?”  
“Maybe both?” he chuckled timidly.  
“I don’t think it will have an easy answer, let alone be an easy decision. I guess it still depends upon the identity of the person you’re going to love. If the idea of just loving them already makes you weigh the pros and cons of choosing career versus love, then maybe you love them enough to choose them over your career or not enough to have to choose them over your career. There’s never a black or white area. But I’m drunk so I'm most likely not making sense.” I laughed at myself. “How about you? Will you choose love over career?”  
He smiled at me, “I haven’t thought about it, but what you said made sense. It’s always a gray area.”

Taehyung stopped massaging my feet a few minutes later, but I still continued sketching after an hour or hours. It feels like there’s no concept of time in this room, the very thing we’re trying to ignore. We also kept drinking the wine provided by the hotel. Even though all the grape wine varieties have already been mixed in my tongue, it’s still safe to say, the one made and fermented over a longer period of time in Rivas is still at the top of my list.  
It’s already past 1 or 2 o’clock when he asked, “Are you not the slightest bit of tired and sleepy? You’ve been sketching for hours now.”  
“Wait, don’t move. I’m getting the details of your nose,” I said, holding his face in my hand, noting how smooth his jaw feels like. “You don’t have a 5 o’clock shadow?”  
“I did earlier but I shaved.”  
“Oh God, how did I miss it? I wanna see. Why am I too drunk to notice?” I ended with a pout, still tracing the line of his jaw.  
He laughed. “I’ll take a picture and send it to you.” Taehyung then took my hand away from his face and held it and enclosed it with his hands. “Your hand feels so soft.”  
“Hand fetish,” I teased.  
The two of us are a bit closer now. His back was leaning on the sofa, his side profile facing me, my knees grazing his thigh. Taehyung’s playlist was streaming in the background.  
“I’m tired and so, so drunk, but I also want to finish this before you go.”  
“Wheein,” he called to me, his voice hinting another serious talk, his thumbs now tracing the palm of my hand. “You said earlier that this is the best day of your life. Do you really mean it?”  
“I do. I was able to do things I like freely, and you are a really good company. I couldn’t imagine how to spend this day any other way.”  
He nodded to himself. “When we go back to Korea, do you want to keep in touch?”  
“I want to,” I said as matter of fact and then smiled at a thought. “I’ll give you my real phone number this time.”  
Taehyung nodded again and smiled, but this time more thoughtful. “Would we go to dates there, too, like the dates we did here? Museum dates, wine dates, dinner dates, stay-at-home dates…”  
He seems serious. He wants us to date for real.  
“You know we can’t do those things there,” I said, regret now coloring my voice.  
“So we’ll just stay friends over the phone?” He asked smiling, but with sadness evident in his voice and body language.  
I want to do those things with him again, too. He’s not the only one. But right now, I don’t know what to say to him. Do I tell him ‘Let’s not mind what others may think, let’s not think of the consequences’? ‘Let’s just do whatever we want’? Or how about ‘We can’t. I’m not someone to risk your career for. It’s not you, it’s the situation’? Nothing makes sense. I want to be with him and get to know him more, but it’s just not that easy.  
I placed my unfinished sketch of him at the top of the coffee table, and then gave him my other hand and tugged at his. “I’m tired and I want to sleep. Can you please help me? I sleep well if someone’s beside me.”  
My sudden proposition shocked him, but he knew it’s nothing far from sensible. He knows why I’m asking. He knows that nothing we say right now can make our situation better. He knows that this is the only thing we can do. He knows it feels right.  
He nodded and let me lead him to the bedroom.

I didn’t mean for something between us to happen. Right now, I feel like we need to be with each other as much as we could, because after all this, he needs to leave, and so does our precious time together. There’s no use wasting it.  
I crawled to the left side of the bed, and Taehyung consciously sat at the right side. I faced him and smiled. “Sorry, if I’m making you uncomfortable.”  
“No, you aren’t,” he said defensively. “I just haven’t slept beside a girl yet.”  
“Then don’t think of me as a girl.”  
He laughed softly. “I also sleep well when I’m with someone.” Taehyung was still hesitant but then he slid in under the covers and opened his arm for me. I rested my head on his shoulder and enclosed him with my arm, hiding my face against his chest. His scent invading my senses.  
“I miss my cat,” I muttered.  
He chuckled softly, but I could feel deep vibrations against my body. “I miss my dog, too.”  
I pulled away a bit, so I could look at him. “Is it a boy or a girl?”  
“It’s a boy,” he smiled widely like he’s so amused with our conversation, far from the mood we had just a few minutes ago. “Yours?”  
“Same. He’s very playful but is actually very snobbish.”  
“Cats are like that. You'll be lucky to have an affectionate one.”  
“That's true.” I paused for a bit before asking him something I have always wanted to know. “Taehyung, why did you ask for my number before? How did you even know it was worth it to ask me out?”  
He smilingly pondered on it while unconsciously patting my back. “I don't know. I guess out of all the girls I know in our industry, you stood out to me because of your charms.”  
“People usually notice me the last in our group.”  
“That's not true,” he said, his eyebrows furrowing in defense. "You're really pretty and funny and your voice is one of a kind. You shine the most to me. It's their flaw for noticing you last, not yours.”  
My heart suddenly warmed at his confession. “Thank you,” I muttered, left speechless. No one has ever thought like that about me, let alone has said it to my face.  
I looked at him for a few more seconds and then reached out to touch his eyebrows. “Your eyebrows are so thick. It feels like they hold all the mystic and power of this world.”  
He smiled at me again and then touched my eyebrows, too. He’s very quiet while staring at me, like he’s studying my face, like it’s not what we have been doing since early in the morning. Taehyung’s gaze left my face and traveled downward, only now ever since I met him that I could feel my heart beating so fast that it wants to explode. What are you thinking, Taehyung? Why are you making me feel like this?  
Suddenly, I could feel warmth against my collarbone. “I like your tattoos,” he said. His voice was deep, yet his touch was light. “How many do you have?”  
“Six. I want to get more done.”  
He continued to trace the letters on my collarbone with his left hand, his eyes focused on it too. The heel of his palm was resting just above my chest.  
“What are you doing?” I asked, my voice coming out in a whisper.  
My question must have broken Taehyung from the trance. He shook his head and closed his eyes and laughed softly. “Sorry, I’m thinking about tomorrow and how I’m already going to miss you.”  
My heart calmed down, and then I sighed and smiled at him sadly. I want to say I’m going to miss him, too, but I’m afraid I might become emotional, so I went closer to him again and buried my face at the crook of his neck.  
Taehyung held me closer and caressed my hair and my back.  
It almost feels like we’re saying goodbye. Every stroke of his hand against my back and arm says ‘I will miss your smile, your touch.’ Every sigh he releases tells me ‘I will never have something like this again.’ And every beat of his heart against my hand continually calls out my name just because.  
I will never have something like this again, too, Taehyung.  
“Wheein, we will still keep in touch, right?” he asked for the second time, his breath I could feel against my hair.  
“Yes,” I whispered.  
“Do you want to have another best days with me?”  
“Yes.”  
Taehyung’s deep, soft voice, the calm of the night, the richness of our touch… everything was so right in the world. Except in the morning when I woke up, it’s not.


	4. Chapter 4

He’s there—thick, black hair, glamorous style—his smile and wave, reserved for his fans. I’m here—long, black hair, glamorous style—my smile and wave, I wish I could also reserve for him. Can he see it? The tiny glimpses I send his way? Or am I the only one still hopeful for the “us” that could have been. Even after so many weeks following that night, I still think about him constantly, wishing he would call me back.  
Now, we stand at the opposite ends of the stage, pretending we never shared love on those autumn nights.

“Taehyung,” I called to him once I found him alone backstage.  
He looked at me, probably not knowing why I approached him all of a sudden in such a place where many people could see us.  
“You never called,” I said, fidgeting at the hem of my sleeves. “You said we will keep in touch. I waited for you.”  
He continued to look at me like I’m a puzzle.  
“You could have told me if you don’t want to keep in touch anymore. It’s okay. I just thought it would be nice to hear from you and then we can pretend nothing happened.”  
Finally, it rang a bell to him. Were those two days really nothing to him? “I’m sorry, but yes, stop waiting for me anymore. It’s not worth it. I just don’t find you worthy enough for all the risks. I’m way out of your league anyway. Don’t ever wanna tarnish my reputation.”  
Despite tears welling up in my eyes, I could still see the way he’s looking at me before he walked away, like he’s disgusted to even spend a minute of his time with me. Taehyung looking at me like I’m a piece of trash—that same guy who became a healing to me in those two days in Switzerland—is the single most heartbreaking thing in this world.  
I refused to believe this. This cannot be true.  
I ran outside, feeling helpless, not knowing where else to go. I kept running and running until I fell into a black hole, just like me falling for Taehyung, for someone who would just break my heart. I fell. And he’s not there. 

I woke up gasping for air. Sitting up, my brain knocked into my skull, every end of my nerves breaking into tiny pieces and connecting to every inch of my body, making me feel all the pain all at once. I put my hands at either side of my head, and then my hands fisted the thick blanket, trying to transfer all the soreness in my head to something else.  
I finally opened my eyes and noted the details of the room I’m in. I’m still in Switzerland, and I’m alone. Taehyung, did he really just leave me? Just like that? Just like in my awful dream, would he really forget about me?  
After taking a few deep breaths, I noticed the sweet aroma of coffee coming from outside. The curtain drape was open just enough to let sunshine seep through the window. It’s such a nice morning, but my heart and mind are both in turmoil.  
“Good morning,” someone said in his very soft and low voice.  
I looked up and I have never in my life been this relieved and grateful to see someone. Even through the throbbing pain in my head, I smiled at him. Taehyung looks so good, freshly showered and wearing the hotel’s complementary bathrobe. He’s bringing in breakfast in bed. He set the tray in front of me and then sat beside me. His side of the bed was sinking a bit, making me lean sideways to him. He held me and the tray in place.  
“Be careful,” he whispered again.  
“I thought you already left,” I said, breath too short and still reeling from the aftereffects of my bad dream. “Isn’t your flight this noon?”  
“I still have a lot of time left. I want to say goodbye to you personally,” he said and then handed me a painkiller for my headache and a glass of cold water.  
I took the medicine and gulped down all of the water in the glass.  
I’m right, that bad dream cannot be true. Taehyung is very caring, preparing breakfast and medicine for me, and the fact that he wants to say goodbye to me personally instead of just writing a note says a lot about the true person that he is.  
“I’m never gonna drink again,” I muttered after I incidentally slammed down the glass, maybe to make a point.  
Taehyung softly laughed beside me. I suddenly feel a lot better.  
“Why don’t you have a hangover? This is unfair.”  
“I do, taking a shower really helped.”  
I eyed him and made it seem I was upset, but in reality, I could never be happier. He told me yesterday that he would take care of me, and he stayed true with his simple promise. That dream can suck my ass.

Taehyung and I quietly consumed the hangover cure special of the hotel. I noticed that he placed two types of coffee on the tray, hot and iced, but he was touching neither one.  
“Which one is your coffee?” I asked.  
“Both are yours. I’m not sure if you’d prefer hot or cold, so I just brought in both.”  
“You don’t drink coffee,” I said, amused at the revelation.  
He shook his head.  
“Turns out we’re not really that much similar at all.”  
He laughed. “Well, we still have so many things to learn about each other.”  
We do, and both of us want to.  
I helped him clean up our breakfast and then went to the bathroom to freshen up. I’m amazed he was able to withstand the disaster of my hair and my puffy face earlier and not say anything about it. When I got back to the living room, I found him dressed up with his clothes yesterday, fixing his things and preparing himself to go. I suddenly got sad at the sight.  
Taehyung looked back at me and smiled. “I hate to go, but I still need to pack and then check in at the airport.”  
I shook my head and went to hug him. I tiptoed to reach his tall frame and wrapped my arms around his neck. He reciprocated my hug in no time, skinship is so natural to us now.  
His body is so warm, and he smells like fresh sunshine at the break of dawn. All the good things in life are really just temporary. “I still want to know what other things we both like or hate or things you don’t like that I like.”  
“Okay,” he whispered against my hair.  
“I keyed in my number to your phone last night. Text me, call me.”  
“I will.”  
“Also, don’t forget to send me the videos and photos we took yesterday.”  
Taehyung pulled back, his arms still about my waist. He was eyeing me. “You just want me for my photos? You’re lucky that you’re really pretty.”  
I laughed wholeheartedly. “Come on, hug me again. Tiptoeing is getting tiring.”  
He shook his head while smiling and hugged me back, this time lifting me up and making me wrap my legs around his waist. My eyes were leveled at the top of his hair. “Oh wow,” I muttered. “Are you sure you didn’t drink any alcohol this morning?”  
He laughed again. “Sorry, it was a reflex when you said it’s tiring. I think you did something to me that makes me just want to do everything for your convenience.”  
I smiled at him, my hands playing with the hair on his nape. “You shouldn’t spoil me a lot, I don’t want to miss this so much.”  
“All the more so you would look for me all the time.”  
I just smiled at him and then slid down for a bit to hug him back, Taehyung’s arms on my behind, fully supporting my weight. “You need to go,” I muttered against the crook of his neck. “You’ll be late for your flight.”  
“Enjoy Switzerland. Do fun things and tell me about them.”  
“Okay,” I whispered. “I will.”

After a few more agonizing minutes of not wanting to let each other go, Taehyung and I finally said our last goodbyes. And then he left, closing the door behind him.

I went back to the bedroom and plopped down against the bed.  
Taehyung came to me as a stranger in that dim hallway, but now he’s become that someone to me, someone that gave me comfort by just his presence. Is it always like this when you meet someone and you decide to spend the day together, you just connect? Or is it only for Taehyung and me?  
I stayed staring into space, trying not to think of anything at all, when my phone from my nightstand suddenly rang. I immediately got up and crawled toward it to answer the call.  
“Hey,” Taehyung greeted over the line, the static making his voice sound deeper than it already is.  
“You just left a few minutes ago.” I’m glad he couldn’t see me as my smile has never been this embarrassingly big.  
“I just got in the car and then I thought of when you recorded me yesterday.”  
“And?”  
“And that I already miss you.”  
“Me, too.”

***

It’s a lazy Friday morning in my parent’s house in Jeonju. The windows in my room are open to let the sunshine in as well as the scent of the flowers just outside my mom’s small garden. My cat, Kkomo, is playing with his toys at the corner of my room, purring here and there to fill the silence.  
We live in the quiet part of the city, a neighborhood with big to small houses and communal facilities around the block. Because it’s holiday season, Chuseok—the autumn eve—families have come together to celebrate and feast. Some are celebrating inside the comforts of their home, some are participating in the festivals in and around the center of the city. Some streets are overcrowded, some are less traveled. My parents are in the ancestral home of my dad to celebrate, but I chose to stay here because I have a celebration of my own.  
I’m sitting comfortably on my bed, leaning on the headboard and propped with many pillows, my hair sprawled all over, but impatiently waiting for someone to call.

Taehyung and I never missed a day to talk to each other. It’s as if we cried in a cartoon show, mourning the end of our relationship, but in the next episode, we’re back to bickering and laughter again. We would stay late just sending cheesy emoticons and funny pictures to each other or just talk about the most random of things. He would tell me about his further overseas trips, and I would tell him about my boring day. He would sing to me to sleep, and sometimes I would call to wake him up. Although we may be still talking over the phone, it’s still not enough. I still crave for his presence. I still want to see his smile up close and then make me smile in return. I still want to be with him and be able to touch him.  
That’s why I asked if he could come here during the holidays, using my unfinished sketch of him as an excuse just to see him. The timing is also perfect as we’re both on breaks and my parents are gone.  
Fifteen excruciating minutes later, my phone finally rang. I went to answer it and was welcomed by Taehyung’s frustrated voice over the line. “I think I’m lost.”  
“You’ve been around the area for 1 hour already.”  
“I can’t move past this certain road going to your house, so when I tried to take a reroute, I got lost.”  
I rolled my eyes unknowingly, annoyed that I need to wait more to see him again. “Where are you? I’ll come get you.”  
He sighed. “Thank you. I’m at the park in front of a primary school.”  
“Is that the green one?”  
“Yes.”  
“Okay, that’s near. Don’t go too far.”  
“Yes, ma’am.”  
With only Taehyung in my mind, I quickly changed my outfit and grabbed my phone and sprinted toward the door. My cat is probably judging me right now. But as I opened the gate, I’m welcomed by a Kim Taehyung sporting probably designer shades, leaning on his car and acting like a movie superstar. He’s dressed in slacks, navy buttoned-down shirt, coat, and running shoes, a great contrast to my orange printed shirt and black jogging pants and slippers.  
I’m dumbfounded at the sight. “You lied to me!” I exclaimed but laughing because finally he’s here.  
“I see that you have missed me,” he teased.  
I approached him closer and held his hand. “Come inside. Someone might see you. You’re not even trying to disguise yourself.”  
“Forgot my mask in a hurry to get here.”  
I playfully grunted and stomped on my feet urging him to get inside. “Someone will know I’m with someone.”  
He chuckled at my infuriation but ran inside with me.

Taehyung must have missed me more, because not even a second after I closed the door behind us, he already pulled me into the tightest hug we ever had. I hugged him back, wrapping my arms around his waist.  
“It’s not like we don’t talk everyday,” I said against his coat.  
“Shhh…” he whispered against my neck, his lips grazing the rook of my ear. “I’m trying to see if you’re just a dream.”  
I smiled at myself. He’s not a dream, too. I hugged him tighter.

I don’t know why we missed each other so much. Or why we are so bold enough and open for skinship like this when we don’t even know what we are. What are we? What are we even doing?  
I pulled back a bit and smiled at him. His face is so pretty I just want to look at it all day. “Wanna eat?”  
“Yes, please. I left early but still got here late.” Taehyung pouted at me and I tried my best not to pout back. He came directly from his hometown with almost three hours of travel.  
“It’s okay, at least you’re here. Your mom didn’t ask you why you’re not celebrating the holidays with them?”  
“I said I just need to meet someone, and we already celebrated yesterday anyway. They don’t mind.”  
“Okay.” Because I don’t want to take away his time with his family, but I also really, really want to be selfish today.

I’m setting up a brunch on the dining table while Taehyung is looking around the living room.  
Our place is just a humble home with living area, dining area, kitchen, and two bedrooms, just for my parents and me whenever I have a chance to visit. There’s nothing much except for the paintings and photographs my mom made that are hanging on the walls, which are enough to give life to our small house.  
“Wow. This is like a museum,” he noted the art in front of his eyes. “Your mom is really good. Now, I know where you got all your talent.”  
“I’m still learning. I don’t have much skills on photography though. That’s your area. Speaking of which, have you edited the photos yet?” I asked, expectantly looking at him.  
He smiled mischievously at me. “Yes, but I forgot to bring my laptop.”  
I pouted at him. “You said you’re going to show me the video, too.”  
“I’ll show it to you another time.”  
“Why not just send it to me in email?”  
“I want an excuse to see you again,” Taehyung said teasingly.  
I can’t blame him. I also want to see him again and again.  
I just rolled my eyes at him and gestured for him to come over to me. I placed the food my mom prepared: different types of rice cake, vegetables and shrimps deep-fried with egg, other vegetable side dishes, and of course, the food I’ve been craving, ramen.  
“You cooked all this?” he asked as he sat down across from me.  
“How I wish I knew how to. My mom cooked this before they left.”

Unlike the romantic ambience of our dinners in Switzerland, including lunch and that dreamlike breakfast, this moment right now feels so… natural. To be eating together in a setting like this, in my hometown, just us together, it seems like we are more than what we are. Yet, I still don’t know what we are.  
“Are you close with your mom?” He asked out of nowhere while looking at me, his chopsticks looking small in his big hand.  
“Yes. She’s my sister and my bestfriend, too.” I smiled thinking of my mom. “You?”  
He smiled again. “My mom is the best. My father, too. My siblings, too.”  
“It must be nice having siblings. You can have baby nieces and nephews and play with them as much as you want.”  
“They’re still young, but I have nephews through my cousins. They are just so cute and they treat me as the best uncle in the world.” Then, he looked at me with such sincere eyes. “You’re an only child.”  
I nodded. “I played with some cousins and friends from school but not all the time. I just had my grandma growing up.”  
Taehyung gave me a sad smile. “I grew up with my grandma, too. She’s the best though. I couldn’t ask for more.”  
I nodded again, this time with a sad smile, too, as I think about her. “Same,” I muttered softly. Our grandparents are the best things in this cruel world. They’re the ones who are always ready to take care of you when times get hard for your own parents.  
“She must have loved you dearly.”  
“You, too.” I only smiled at him. Thinking of her makes my heart ache. I miss her so much.

Immediately after, Taehyung changed the topic, sensing that my mood has shifted. He talked about random stories in his hometown. His smile and laughter never ceased to lighten up the atmosphere. He’s just like that, living with sunshine in his footsteps, rainbows in his hugs, and flowers in his words. Taehyung’s presence is a whole healing. I’m so happy I met him.  
Our lighthearted conversation was suddenly broken when we heard the gate in front of our house open.  
My body went into full alert.  
“What’s that?” Taehyung asked. I could feel he was tensed, too.  
“It’s probably my mom or dad.” I stood up and grabbed Taehyung’s arm from the other side of the table.  
“You said they’ll be away?” Taehyung stood up, too, and went over to me.  
“I don’t know. Come on, hide in my room.”  
Just as the door was pushed open, Taehyung was also pushed to my room.  
It’s my mom.

“Hey, mom! You’re back early?” I said leaning against the door of my room.  
“I forgot the dish I prepared earlier.” She put her keys on the side table and then squinted her eyes at me. “There’s a car in front of the house.”  
“Oh, someone must have parked there,” I said quickly. Did I answer so fast?  
Mom looked down to change her shoes to house slippers when she noticed something again. “Did your dad buy another shoes without me knowing? This one looks expensive.”  
“Maybe it’s a gift.”  
Mom went to the kitchen to retrieve the dish when she noticed something. Again. “There are two plates, Wheein.” She looked at me suspiciously. “Is someone else here?”  
My eyes are shaking. “No,” I stuttered, my hands fidgeting at the hem of my shirt.  
“You don’t eat a lot like this.”  
“I’m alone, mom. Let me eat as much as I want.”  
She continued to eye me. “Someone is here. That’s why you didn’t want to go with us.”  
“Mom, you’ll be late for the feast.”  
She continued to look at me suspiciously but didn’t probe any further and exited the house. After I heard the gate closing after her, I immediately went to my room and found Taehyung playing with my cat on my bed. He’s incredibly calm compared to the chaos in my nerves.  
“She knows I brought someone here,” I said, then plopping hard against the bed beside him, my arms up in the air. “She’s gonna ask so many questions later.”  
Taehyung looked at me, with Kkomo now on his lap. “Just tell her you brought a friend.”  
“A friend that I’m hiding? I bet my mom can’t wait to grill me right now.” I sat up and went to grab my cat, but he jumped away. I gaped at my unsuspecting pet. “You were letting this stranger pet you but not me?”  
Taehyung laughed beside me. His eyes are twinkling with magic, it’s unreal.  
“You’re really happy that everything is turning against my favor?” I eyed him.  
“No, I just think you’re really cute.”  
“When I’m upset?” I whined.  
He laughed. “No! In everything you do.”  
I squinted my eyes at him, now trying my best not to smile.  
“Come on, don’t look at me like that,” he whined and then wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him.  
I pretended to be mad and continued to pout angrily, but inside, my heart is melting. He’s cute, too. I can’t resist. “What do you want to do today?”  
“Look at you all day. Hug you all day.”  
I smacked his thigh in protest. “Be serious.” I looked at him winced in pain very dramatically.  
“Why? Is it wrong?”  
I rolled my eyes and pulled away from him and then rolled over to the headboard, sinking down the fortress of giant pillows. “I said I wanted to continue sketching you, but I’m not in the mood right now. I’m still worried about my mom finding out about this. It’s just my mom and it’s already making me nervous. What more if it’s other people? Let alone our fans.” I closed my eyes and let my senses overwhelm me. The soft sunlight coming through the window, the tiny noises outside the street, the coziness of my pillows, Taehyung’s warm presence at the foot of my bed—all of this together feels too good to be true. What if this isn’t true? What if it will never be true?  
A few seconds later, I felt the bed sinking as Taehyung moved. I opened my eyes and found him crawling to my side. He sat beside me and grabbed one of my pillows. He’s looking at me like he wants to say something but decided against it.  
“Sorry,” I muttered. “I really like that you’re here. I just wasn’t prepared for the surprise earlier.” I sat up and moved away the pillows between us and went closer to him.  
Taehyung opened his arm, urging me to lean on him. I did and let him become my pillows this time. His hard body is much softer and warmer.  
“You smell nice,” I said as I sniffed the Taehyung scent that I have missed so much.  
“You, too.” Taehyung kissed the top of my hair. “I missed you.”  
“You already said that.”  
“I did?” He pulled away a bit and then stared down at me.  
I looked back, and damn, he’s so handsome up close. His eyes, his smile, his eyebrows, his nose, his lips, his jaws, his thick, thick hair. Everything that makes up the Kim Taehyung that everyone dreams of and wants to kiss. I want to kiss him, too.  
“Hey,” he whispered. “You’re quiet.” He stroked the arm he was holding, and my body suddenly remembered.  
Our close proximity—now face to face—made me remember that moment where he was so focused tracing the letters on my collarbone and all I could feel was my blood rushing so fast my veins wanted to burst. The shivers that I felt. The shivers that I never felt only until then. It made my body remember.  
And right now, I can’t stop looking at his heart-shaped pinkish lips, and all that is in my mind is what it would feel like to have those lips on mine and how much of a fool I am to not be kissing him ever since the moment I met him, since the moment he told me I’m pretty, since the moment he held me in his arms, since the moment he looked so attractive playing the piano, since the moment he looked so proud of watching me sing, since the moment we were lying down on my bed with no restrictions, since the moment I saw him when I woke up after that bad dream, or since the moment he lifted me up my feet and told me he wanted to do everything for me. Or any moments that we shared that were lovely enough but I chose to ignore and waste.  
My thoughts have never been this crazy, and I cannot blame it on the atmosphere of Switzerland or the wine or the ticking of the clock. It’s all just because I really, really want to kiss him right in this moment and I don’t know what else to do with myself if I let another second like this pass by.  
“Wheein,” he whispered, now brushing and caressing the hair that got caught in my face. “You okay?”  
But just before I could even breathe, my cat decided to ruin the moment and jumped on Taehyung’s shoulder and shocked the both of us. Taehyung removed his arm around me and carefully placed my cat back on the floor who gladly went back to his playground like it’s nothing.  
I silently snickered at my cat. I don’t want to be kissing Taehyung here in my room like this. I want to kiss him so much I don’t want it to end. And I know if we start right now, I wouldn’t want to stop.  
“Let’s clean up outside,” I suggested and then got off of the bed and went straight to the dining area. Because outside, there is more space between him and me. Outside where I don’t have any excuse to jump on him and kiss him.  
But outside, there’s also no cat to jump on him, too.

Right after cleaning up and washing the dishes, and totally not using that as an excuse to flirt and play with the bubbles, I suggested that we go out of the house.  
“You were frantic earlier about me being seen outside,” he said while wiping his hands with paper towel. “Now, you want us to go out.”  
I paused for a moment thinking of an excuse to the fact that I may not be able to keep my hands to myself if we stay in this enclosed space that gets smaller and smaller as time passes by. This is not like in Switzerland where, even though I was drunk, I still could trust myself not to do anything. This time, I just feel more and more uncontrollable. My attraction to him has exponentially grown in the span of two hours, and so we really need to go or else I’m going to embarrass myself.  
“We’re not getting out of the car. Let’s just go drive around wherever it takes us,” I reasoned.  
He lit up at the idea and nodded. “That’s nice. We were not able to do that in Switzerland.”  
“Okay, let’s go then. I’m gonna go change.”

After changing into a peach tracksuit and making sure my lovely, lovely cat is well fed, I led Taehyung out of the house. I am beaming with excitement because I really, really want to see him drive, but I also did not forget to check and then double-check if there are any other people outside. Once the coast is clear, Taehyung and I ran to his car and shrieked once we got in.  
“I remember when we ran from the train station when you thought someone saw us,” I said as he put his key in ignition and started up the engine. “You were so excited to run.”  
He chuckled beside me. “That was fun.” Taehyung then navigated the roads and got us to the free highway that is less travelled this season. It leads to a quieter side of the region wherein only a few people reside.  
“Do you think it’s a false alarm, the one that I saw?” He asked after being quiet for a while. He must be thinking about it a lot.  
“I haven’t heard from anyone that I was seen anywhere in the past few weeks. I actually think people think I’ve gone off the grid.” I laughed to myself, but Taehyung was still silent.  
“I forgot to mention this before, but when you were waiting for me in the train station, I was late because I thought someone was following me on the streets. I walked and walked and walked until I felt more safe. It’s the first time in the two days that I had been there that I felt being stalked.”  
I looked at him, now concern bubbling inside. They think it’s okay when people follow you around just because they want to see you more, but your space is being invaded by a stranger nonetheless. It’s never harmless.  
He glanced at me for a while and smiled. “I was just worried, but you know it’s already been 10 days. It must be just all in my head.”  
I looked at him, so focused in his driving. He won’t say it, but I know it’s more than just being followed that he’s worried about. He’s afraid of us being exposed, afraid of us definitely putting an end into this nameless relationship. I’m afraid, too.  
To lighten up his mood, I took out my phone and started recording him as he’s driving. I also grabbed his sunglasses from the dashboard and put it on him.  
“What are you doing?” he asked, now smiling embarrassingly.  
I laughed behind the camera. “Drive fashionably, like you’re the son of the chairman of the biggest company in our country.”  
“I don’t have to be the son of the chairman to drive fashionably,” he said defensively. “I can just drive as Kim Taehyung and I would even beat all those rich bastards,” he ranted and then smashed the honk of the car to prove a point.  
I laughed again. “Wow, Kim Taehyung, like a cool actor in a drama.”  
“Damn right,” he said, honking again.  
I laughed, and then laughed once more and laughed again and again with him as we drove to nowhere, only the happiness of the now filling us, nothing else.

*** 

Taehyung and I parked in front of an empty beach. We have no idea where we are, but it’s quiet and there is no sign of life other than us. We are sitting on the hood of his car and enjoying the serenity and saltiness of the wind and the waters.  
“We weren’t able to take a lot of photos and videos last time when we were at the lakeshore,” he said. “There were only five shots of you that I took.”  
I smiled at the memory. “You can always take photos of me. You know that I like it.”  
He smiled back. “At this rate, I can put up an exhibition and all of the photos will be you.”  
“I love the idea. Do it.” I challenged him, even though I know we will never be able to do it.  
“I need to take more photos of you then.”  
Immediately afterward, Taehyung took out his phone and started candidly taking photos of me while sitting on the hood of his car. Even in my peach tracksuit and hair pulled in a low bun, he still managed to make me feel like the prettiest and sexiest masterpiece in the world.

Taehyung took advantage of the great weather and calm waters by taking more videos of me laughing and playing by myself along the shore. He would follow me around, letting me pose for the camera by myself or ask me questions like what we did in the vineyards in Switzerland.  
“If Wheein is not a singer, what would she be?” he asked from behind his phone.  
“So suddenly?” I exclaimed, totally surprised at his question.  
He laughed softly. “Just answer please, Miss Wheein.”  
I looked at him teasingly but pondered on it. “Growing up with an artist like mom, I naturally acquired my passion for arts and then music. I love both, but I had to choose between the two when deciding on path I should take in the future. I chose to do something that I’m better at at the moment and then treated arts as the home I can always go back to. So if I were not a singer today, I would probably be pursuing arts.” I smiled at the camera, purposely showing my dimple to make light of my answer.  
“Artist Jung Wheein. It sounds good. But what if there is no way for you to make art as a living, what else are you going to do?”  
I squinted hard at the lens of his phone. “Don’t say that. I love arts.”  
Taehyung laughed softly. “Hypothetically, what else would you like to do?”  
I smiled sweetly and playfully at the camera. “I’m going to be a self-defense instructor.”  
“What?” He was shocked at my answer.  
“Why not? It’s a good profession, teaching especially those girls who are short like me. So when men who like to take advantage of ‘cute, innocent’ girls attack us, they’d get what they deserve.”  
He laughed wholeheartedly. “I have no doubt you are a very strong-minded and tough woman.”  
“That’s right. You’re the one who needs protection from me.”  
“We’re already pass that. You already caught me.”  
I playfully smacked his shoulder, and then he proceeded to theatrically wince in pain. Again. He’s so overdramatic.  
“But seriously though, I’d also like to teach dance,” I added. “Just as long as what I’m doing is something I like.”  
Taehyung nodded and smiled to me. “Not everybody is brave enough to pursue their dreams like that. People like to be comfortable where they are despite compromising the things they truly love.”  
I smiled at him. If not the things we like, I always find myself agreeing to everything he says or believes in. It almost feels like we share the same mind.

Right after Taehyung’s short interview, he led me back to his car. I quietly leaned on the door while enjoying the fresh wind of the autumn afternoon, my feet combing the sand beneath me.  
He was browsing the photos and videos he took, unaware of me watching his every move. Every squint of his eyes, every furrow of his eyebrows, they tell his approval or sometimes his dislike. I don’t have alcohol in my system now, but I still feel drunk and bewitched by him. In inappropriate words, he’s so hot.  
Satisfied, he locked his phone and pocketed it.  
“Among your photography subjects, who or what is your favorite?” I asked.  
He smirked at me. “You just want to hear me say that it’s you.”  
“I do not!” I exclaimed defensively. “But for real though, are there any other women whose photos you’re taking as well?”  
He nodded. “My sister and my mother. You can now calm down.”  
I rolled my eyes at him. “It’s not the reason why I asked. I just want to know whose photo you like taking the most.”  
“I already said that it’s you.”  
I smacked his shoulder playfully again. “I knew it. You have a crush on me.”  
He gaped at me. “I’m not the one who’s dying to see me drive. You. Have a crush on me.”  
Miss Jung Wheein made faces at him but her smile is big. He’s not totally wrong.  
“But Wheein, you can always ask me if you’re my favorite subject or if you’re pretty any day, every day. I want to tell you always that you are.”  
Miss Jung Wheein’s smile grew wide and she bit her lip to hide it somehow, but she can’t help it. She feels like a totally different person in the eyes of Kim Taehyung.  
He does make me feel it’s so easy to love myself. 

Taehyung continued to just watch me from his side, his arms folded in front of him, smiling slightly but with his eyes screaming like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. He looks at me like he wants to see how much more beautiful I can get, like he’s taking every piece of my clothing to see all my secrets, all my vulnerability. His eyes are so focused on every detail of my face and body like he’s undressing me.  
I’ve never felt so naked under his gaze. “I can’t spell you,” I said. “Most of the time, you look so innocent and protective of me, but there are times, like right now, where you just want to watch me or touch me or…”  
“Or what?” he asked, reflected in his eyes the panic and shivers running through me.  
“Like you want to kiss me,” I whispered, looking at his lips and then to the skies.  
“Just as the look you keep on giving me earlier?”  
I pointedly look at him. Was I that obvious?  
“Do you want to kiss me?” he asked. This time there’s something more intense in his eyes.  
I looked away again. I couldn’t answer him. If I say yes, he would know in my eyes and my voice that it’s the only thing I’ve been thinking about the whole day. Or if I say no. He would still be able to tell in whatever I say or do.  
“Wheein,” he whispered, his voice making my heart sink. “Look at me.”  
I looked at him at his command. His eyes are bewildered, and so are mine. “I’m going to kiss you,” he warned in his deep voice.  
In no time, Taehyung reached for my jaw and my waist and pushed his hard body against me.  
I held onto his arms in shock, but when I looked into his eyes, my heart ignited, and eventually, I wrapped my arms around his neck.  
“I would go to jail for the number of times I dreamt of kissing you,” he breathed into me, so close I could smell the mint in his mouth, his face shadowing me from the sunlight.  
I grunted in response. Or moaned. “Just kiss me.”  
He smiled and then finally grazed his lips on mine.

Someone should have prepared me for this. People say there are going to be butterflies in your stomach, goosebumps on your skin, toe-curling sensation. But it’s more than that. This first kiss transcends all the happiness I had before, all the heartaches and adrenaline rushes. They’re nothing compared to this.  
Taehyung moved his lips over me, sweetly licking and biting the bottom of my lips, letting me feel the passion he has kept inside him all along. He then lifted me up the door of his car and pushed himself even harder against me, putting his knees in between mine. His hand was stroking my jaw, the other one splayed on the door behind me, supporting our weight.  
I can’t help but smile and let out a tiny laugh as I played with the hair on his nape.  
“Why?” he asked as he continued to kiss me, this time opening my mouth with his lips.  
I reciprocated, and then pulled back a bit so I could look into his eyes. Eyes that are so hazy and hungry for more. “How many girls have you kissed?”  
“A few,” he said. “You don’t like it?”  
“I do. Just curious how you got this good.” Then, I reached to him again and kissed him back. Now, I’m the one who bit on his bottom lip. “I should have kissed you right at the first time I saw you.”  
“Then we’ll just kiss over and over again so all the times we didn’t won’t matter.”  
“I like that,” I whispered and then moaned as he opened my mouth at the probe of his tongue.  
Taehyung lifted me up again and made my legs wrap around him, breaking our kiss for a while, laughing and smiling at each other.  
We continued to kiss at the abandon of the now. No one around, just blue sky above us, blue seas before us. Not caring a little bit at what consequences tomorrow may hold. This time, all that matters is us.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s still almost autumn. Fourteen days I was away from Seoul, and it’s still not autumn. Nothing changed. The ambiguous weather, the tall buildings, the faceless people, the gloomy, livid mood—they all stayed the same. People are still competitive. People still want to stay on top of one another.  
As I gaze outside from the car window, with the rays of the early afternoon sun glaring down at me, only then did I realize this is how I usually view everything around me, but right now, it's not. Because in those fourteen days, something has changed in me.  
The way I see things and the way I let things affect me—these things have changed. The weather is bright and calm at the same time. People coming from tall buildings are smiling, annoyed, sometimes stoic. They have feelings. People just want to get by and enjoy life. They are not faceless. They have names. They are happy, and they are sad.  
I watch the traffic light go from red to green and smiled at it. Everything changed when something also made my red change to green. 

“You seem so happy. More than usual,” my mom said from the driver’s seat.  
I looked at her from my side and laughed softly. “Why would you think that?”  
Mom snickered at me, the same way I would also snicker. We’re almost the same person that it doesn’t come as a surprise that she knows something is up with me. Or she’s just a very intuitive mother.  
“You’re usually good at hiding everything, but ever since you came from your trip from somewhere, you’re not the same person anymore. You don’t want your dad and I to notice, but you can’t hide it. You’re just this ball of sunshine floating.”  
“That’s so cheesy,” I exclaimed, but was slightly embarrassed. I hate how obvious I am.  
“Especially after you came back home last night. You’re different. You’re glowing.”  
I only smiled at her. I want to tell her everything, but I don’t think I’m ready yet. She’s a very carefree and supportive mother, but she’s also my very protective mother. She wouldn’t approve. 

After half an hour, we reached my apartment at the center of the city. My mom helped me with my luggage and the food she prepared for me to keep. She has to leave early and is about to let me do my thing but not without another question of who I was with yesterday.  
“Mom, I love you, and I will tell you if it’s something important,” I said, shooing her away from the door.  
She gave me one last hug before bidding goodbye. “Just be careful, okay? Guard your heart. Whatever it is.”  
I made a funny face but also nodded. I know my mom is right.

Right after closing the door, I looked around me and sighed. My vacation is over and I’m back to my normal routine. I turned on all the lights and the air conditioner. I changed into something comfortable and removed my makeup. Afterward, I turned on the TV and put it on low volume while I unpacked my things. Cleaning, listening to songs, passing time by using my phone, painting my nails and then removing them because they don’t look good.  
Usually, these things would have given me comfort. Just by having this space to myself is happiness, but right now I feel that something is missing. Or someone is missing.  
Just right in time, my phone rang a particular ringtone, and I have never been so excited to answer this damn phone, my excited hands knocking over the red nail polish in front of me.  
“Hi!” I said, my tone going a little bit more high pitched than intended.  
“Hello! How’s my favorite girl?” Taehyung greeted over the line. Even though we just talked earlier over the phone before my mom and I left, I still missed hearing his sweet voice.  
I laughed and lied down the couch, now looking at the ceiling. “That’s so greasy.”  
“But I bet your mouth is ripping from smiling big right now.”  
“Shut up.”  
He laughed. “I have a delivery for you.”  
“The photos you edited? That’s fast. I just gave you my address earlier.”  
“Of course. I don’t want to make you wait.”  
“Okay. I’ll let you know when I receive it.”  
“You’re about to receive it in 3… 2.. 1. Tada!”  
My doorbell rang just in time. I sat up in shock but still ran to answer it.  
I opened the door to a Kim Taehyung casually dressed in all black pants, hoodie, cap, and mask.  
“What the hell are you doing here?” I gawked at him but immediately pulled him inside.

I locked the door very tightly and then turned around to face him.  
“Why are you here? It’s very risky!”  
Taehyung removed his mask and cap and just smiled mischievously at me. “Don’t worry, I was very careful. I came in through the main door together with a mother and child, and the guard didn’t even question me. I must have resembled someone who lives here.”  
I glared at him.  
“Anyways, where’s my hug and my kiss?” He acted cute, but I ignored him.  
“You know that what you did is very risky. People could know, and instead of us seeing each other often, it would come to a stop immediately. You don’t get a kiss until you understand that.”

I walked away and sat on the couch, picked up my nail polish and continued to paint my nails, refusing to look at him. He’s here and I really, really want to kiss him, too, but I’m upset. We would get in trouble.  
“Hey,” he approached me and spoke sweetly to me. He sat beside me. “Sorry. I just don’t know what to do. I already miss you so much. I needed to see you.”  
I closed the bottle of polish with its cap and put it down the table. I looked at him and he’s using that innocent face to me again. “You could have just called me. I’ll help you get in without being noticed. And what if I have someone over, too. This kind of meetings, let’s just plan it ahead of time. We need to be careful, especially now that we’re in Seoul.”  
He nodded and continued to give me his sincere, apologetic eyes and smile.  
“Just be glad you’re really cute or else you won’t get any kiss from me again.”  
“Okay, let’s pretend you can resist me either way.”  
I made a face at him and then smacked his arm. “You should have told me, so I could dress better and put on makeup, too.”  
“What? You’re not wearing any makeup right now?” He acted surprise.  
I made a face at him again but this time laughing because he’s just so impossible. “You have a kink on calling me pretty every chance you get.”  
“Because that’s true. And you’re dressed perfectly fine. You look so small in that shirt.”  
I smiled at him. “You just want to hang out?”  
“I don’t know. I just want to see you.”  
He came here just to see me because he just wants to see me, not planning anything ahead. He just wants to see me. Like I want to see him.  
I looked at him, figuring out inside my head what we’re doing. Why is he here? And why do we need to hang out? Is he my boyfriend? Are we dating? Is this thing between us going to last? Why is there an expectation to kiss again? What even are we?  
“Wheein, sometimes I get really scared when you’re just staring at me and not saying anything. What are you thinking?” he asked softly.  
“Nothing. I was just wondering what movie we’re going to watch. Because honestly, I don’t know what people usually do when they hang out.”  
His mouth formed a cute O, and then gave me that squarish smile again, a smile I will never get tired of. “Your choice. I just want to be here.”  
“Okay, let's just watch.”  
I stood up and set up my TV and then made Taehyung choose what movie he wants while I prepared snacks for the both of us from the food mom packed for me.  
In the end, Taehyung chose a Hollywood movie about a love story of a boy and a girl. Typical.  
“Why did you choose that?” I asked as I turned off the lights and put our snacks down and then sat beside him.  
“I didn’t. It’s in the list of movies you didn’t finish, so I just clicked on it.”  
I pondered on it. “I haven’t seen this one. Maybe my friend clicked on it when she’s over last time.”  
He squinted at me. “Friend?”  
“Yes!” I said defensively. “A friend like you.”  
“A friend that you kiss and cuddle with on beds?”  
I closed my eyes and shook my head at him, smilingly. I knew we’re bound to get into this topic nonetheless. “No. You’re a special friend.”  
I opened my eyes to find Taehyung smiling at me. He leaned back on the couch and opened his arm like an invitation. Like an instinct, I inched closer to him and buried myself into his space. I tucked my legs under me and kept my arms folded in front.  
He enclosed his arm around me and whispered, “I want to be your only special friend.”  
I kept quiet and just looked at the bright screen in front of me and tried not to show the shivers that I felt when he said that. Sweet, innocent Taehyung is sexy when he’s jealous.  
Both Taehyung and I kept quiet throughout the movie. Although there were subtitles, nothing ever got to me. Like when we were in that small theater room in Switzerland, Taehyung is very focused on the film in front of us, but having him this close, his scent, his whole warm presence, makes it so hard for me to focus. He sighs, I hold my breath. He’s relaxed against the sofa, I stay rigid against him. His breathing becomes calm, mine becomes more erratic. My heart is racing, and all I ever want to do is kiss this very, very special friend.  
I need to get away from him for a second, or else I might embarrass myself with how much I’m thirsting for him.  
Luckily, my phone lit up when a call came in. Desperate for a much needed space, I went to grab it on top of the coffee table and answered the call not too far from the living area.  
“Hey, have you watched it yet? The choreo?” It’s one of the dancers from our company.  
“Yup. I did.”  
“Okay. I couldn’t reach you yesterday. Thought you’ve gone off the grid again.”  
I laughed. “I was busy.”  
He laughed over the line, too. “Just be ready by Tuesday.”  
“Tuesday, what time?”  
“Afternoon.”  
“Okay. Just send me the location, and I’ll be there.”  
I ended the call and went back to the couch and bent down to put my phone on the table.  
When I lifted up my head, I found Taehyung looking at me… weirdly. His arms were now closed for me.  
“What’s up?” I asked as I sat down beside him again.  
“Nothing,” he answered curtly, a contrast to the bright voices inside the TV.  
I don’t believe him. His demeanor changed, but I let it go and went back to looking at the screen.  
“I saw the caller ID when your phone rang. You’ll be meeting with a male friend?” he asked with a smile, but his low voice was seemingly trying to mask his feelings.  
He is jealous. Taehyung is jealous. “It’s someone from the company. For work.”  
“Okay,” he whispered and finally dropped it, but he still sounded opposite from okay.  
“You know I’ve been thinking,” I said, trying to lighten up the mood. “I bought three bottles of Swiss wine, and I was wondering when I could drink them.”  
He looked at me pointedly. “You want us to drink?”  
I nodded. “But just a little. I have something to do tomorrow.”  
He nodded and gave me a small smile.

I got up and finally felt relieved but also weak to the knees. No one has ever been jealous of someone because of me. It surprisingly feels good. To feel wanted and owned. The possessiveness, the physical contact, this tiny space. They make you weak. Kim Taehyung makes me weak.  
I went to grab a bottle from the kitchen counter and poured the wine to two glasses, when suddenly I felt Taehyung come from behind me. Not hugging me. Just hovering real close his body almost grazes mine. Teasing me like it’s a revenge, like it helps my situation.  
“What are you doing?” I asked softly, afraid of how his mood changed in a few minutes, and also afraid that my voice would betray me and tell him the very things that are playing in my mind for over an hour.  
“Nothing,” he whispered, sending shivers all over me.  
“Are you not watching the movie? You didn’t even pause it.” I closed the wine with its stopper and tried my best not to collapse on the floor. My body is weak. Mr. Kim Taehyung is making me weak.  
“Why do you think I can focus on the movie when you’re beside me?” His deep voice was spoken in whisper right into my ear, his lips almost touching my neck. My body is weak. He is making me weak.  
He put his hands on the counter. Enclosing me, caging me. I realize he’s starting a power game against me. He wants me to know he should be the only one. He intends to make me weak.  
But I need to show him I am still in control of my body, or convince myself, even though all I want right now is to give in to him. Two can play at this game.  
I grabbed the two glasses with my two hands and turned around facing him. Taehyung towered over me and was smiling like he had something evil in mind. His eyes were dark, covered in the shadow of his hair. He grabbed one of the half-filled glasses from my hand, making sure his long fingers were lazily grazing mine, and drank from it while looking at me.  
The audio from the TV was completely drowned by the buzzing in my head. So dizzy, my heart started racing at the sight. But I won’t back down. I drank from my glass while looking at him, too, licking my lips after the first sip.  
Taehyung and I are great performers onstage, only this time we’re performing for each other, killing with gazes, seducing with our body language. No camera, no audience. Just us.  
I subtly licked the mouth of my glass and then sipped from it again and made sure he’s watching my every move.  
Taehyung raised his thick eyebrow at me and then downed his wine in one drink. Or not.  
He placed the glass on the counter, grabbed my jaws, and then devoured my mouth with his.  
I almost dropped the glass I was holding when I held onto his arms, so surprised at his attack once again. I opened my mouth and let him pour the drink into me slowly, sinfully, and let him make me taste the wine and his passion all at once.  
I wrapped my arms around his neck as he lifted me up the counter, making me wrap my legs around his torso. Forgetting that I was holding the wine glass, I dropped it onto the floor. But I laughed and just smiled at our kiss and broke it to breathe.  
“Are you that jealous?” I asked, hazily and hungrily looking at his wine-tainted lips, now plump after kissing me hard.  
“You laughed at whatever he said.” He went on and bit my lower lip.  
“You’ll be jealous of everyone then.”  
“You’re making me crazy. I’m not this kind of person.”  
I kissed him back and inched closer to him, pressing my soft chest to his hard body, making sure he can feel how I’m reacting to him.  
Taehyung broke our kiss and panted, “You’re not wearing any bra?”  
I smiled naughtily. “I would have removed it either way.”  
“Fuck,” he cursed under his breath and laughed darkly. “What are you doing to me, Jung Wheein?” His voice, a warning. A warning of the onslaught his mouth is going to do to me.  
I braced myself as he kissed me harder, probing my mouth to open with his tongue. I moaned and let him know I like this. Everything that he is doing to me, I like it.  
Taehyung lifted me up again and carried me back to the couch, our kiss not breaking even a second. He laid me down and watched me pant, so short of breath, so hungry for more. I watched him pant, too. His eyes have never been this dark, so attractive, so hungry for more.  
I pulled him closer with my legs, and when he’s on top me, I smiled. I smiled so big because he likes it, too. I felt how his body reacted to me like the way I reacted to him.  
I want him so bad.  
I reached for his neck and kissed him again, arching my back against him because I want to feel him again. Feel him more.  
“Wheein,” he whispered, his voice so hoarse. “What are you doing?”  
“Kiss me,” I said and arched my back again, feeling him again.  
He kissed me back. Now, his big calloused hand went under my shirt, going slowly, asking for permission, looking out for rejection. But I moaned in return. I want it, Taehyung. He touched my chest, groping me, circling his fingers over me, and I only burned with more desire.  
He met my thrusts and he kissed me again and again. His hands were now holding my hands over my head, never stopping as we continued to move in rhythm.  
I’ve never felt this sensation. To give love and to receive love all at the same time. My desires, his desires, all out in the open. My vulnerability, his vulnerability, swimming in the little space between us even through the boundary of our clothes. I’m burning with all these feelings, and I know there’s more and he knows it, too. There’s more. And both of us want it.  
I let out a loud moan at my peak, and Taehyung buried his face at the crook of my neck, muffled grunts vibrating against me.  
Both of us were panting, but Taehyung managed to get up a bit and looked at me, a big smile drawn on his face. He propped his arm at the side and combed the hair that got caught in my face with his hand, wiping the sweat on my forehead, lovingly caressing me.  
He kissed my cheeks and my nose and my eyes and my forehead. “You look so beautiful,” he said softly. “Most beautiful I’ve ever seen.”  
I smiled at him. My eyes were fluttering, only now feeling the energy draining out of me from what we did. “You’re so…” I sighed, “pretty, too.”  
Taehyung gave me his bright smile again and kissed my forehead before getting up and finding his way to the bathroom.  
I closed my eyes for a second, reeling in from the sensation of what just happened. I feel so light. I feel so awakened. I feel so beautiful. I feel so happy. 

Taehyung called for me and peeked through the door of the bathroom. “Do you have extra boxers?”  
I laughed. “No. Why would I have extra boxers here.”  
He laughed awkwardly. “Well, I need it.”  
“Let me find something.” I got up, my knees still weak, and headed to my closet in the bedroom.  
I rummaged through my things and found an oversized pair of shorts I have. I also grabbed a comfortable plain shirt for him. I went back to him and handed him the clothes through the small space in the doorway.  
“We’re now officially sharing clothes,” I said.  
“I’ll let you borrow mine, too.”  
“Who said I need to wear any?” I asked him tauntingly and then closed the door in his face.  
Embarrassed of my sudden braveness, I ran back to the couch and buried my face in the pile of throw pillows. “Who am I?” I whispered to myself. I’ve never been like this. It’s still almost autumn, but I have changed so much in the span of two weeks. What happened?  
Kim Taehyung happened.

Taehyung came out and sat down beside me. I looked up to him and his manly face. I’m so lucky to have him.  
I gave him space so he could lie down next to me. He hugged me from behind, his legs intertwined with mine, and planted sweet kisses on my hair. A lazy Saturday spent with someone who makes me feel special is the best Saturday in the history of Saturdays. The low volume of the forgotten movie, the dim lights in the kitchen, the soft buzz of the air conditioner, and Taehyung’s rhythmic breathing all lulled me to sleep. I want to stay like this forever.

***

Feeling like I was cushioned in clouds, I woke up with a smile on my face, curled up in bed and facing the dark of the night through my windows. I turned to my side but found no Kim Taehyung beside me. I got up and looked for him inside my apartment, but he’s gone. He must have left while I was sleeping.  
The apartment looks empty and clean. Did I just dream about him coming here to see me?  
After a few minutes, I tried to call him and he answered immediately. “Hey, where are you?” I asked. “You left.”  
“Just a while. I went out to buy food and grab some things from the dorm, but I’m on my way to your apartment again.”  
I furrowed my eyebrows, suddenly feeling frustrated. “You went out to buy food? We can just order here.”  
“I went to grab my camera, too. Are you mad again?”  
I closed my eyes and exhaled. “No, I was just worried. You could have woken me up. There are also food in my fridge. And we also drank half glass of wine earlier. Are you okay?”  
“Yes, totally sobered up. I just left half an hour ago.”  
I heaved a sigh of relief, and Taehyung must have sensed it as his tone shifted to apologetic.  
“Sorry. I just had something in mind and it made me excited, so I couldn’t wait for you to wake up. I just went ahead.”  
“It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re fine. What do you have in mind?”  
He was silent for a few seconds and then continued. “I don’t know how to say this, but our break is going to end in a few days and I want to do something with you before both of us start to get busy again.”  
I laughed softly, now feeling at ease. “Do something with me? Be specific.”  
He laughed, too. “Aside from what you’re obviously thinking, I’d like to take photos of your tattoos up close, with my best camera and lighting set up.”  
“Like professional photography?”  
“Yes, very.”  
I smiled at the idea. “Tonight? I love that.” I love him taking photos of me. It’s like a new addiction. “What time will you be arriving?”  
“In 20 to 30 minutes.”  
“Okay. I’ll wait for you.”

After we hang up, I immediately stood up and looked around my place, feeling in a hurry as if there are so many things I need to do before he comes back. I started double checking if everything is clean again and in their proper places, glad that my cat is not here to judge me.  
I put on Taehyung’s favorite playlist in the background. I danced in happiness, thinking of seeing him again. I don’t know what it is that made me anticipate seeing him again this much. Is it because he’s going to take photos of my tattoos? Is it because it feels good to make someone excited just with the thought of taking your photos? Is it because someone wants to remember every part of you in close detail? Is it because there’s an anticipation that when he enters through my door again, I would drop everything and kiss the hell out of him?  
I want to kiss him again. So bad. I want him again. So bad. I want more of him. So, so bad.  
I quickly showered with lukewarm water, but my body still shivered, remembering where Taehyung touched me and where I wanted him to touch me more. I sighed at the anticipation. My desire for him just tripled and doesn’t seem to be going away.  
I put on lotion, I put on light makeup, pinkish lips and blush. I combed my hair, blowing it dry to a curl. Now, what would I wear?  
I opened my closet and looked for something good, showing my tattoos but not easily suggestive, but what I only have is a black silk nightgown that falls above my knees and that I don’t usually wear.  
It’s seductive and one can easily tell what I want.  
But maybe I want him to know what I want.  
I changed immediately and then put on perfume. I looked at the mirror and saw a new me. Someone different. Someone new. Someone not caged in a box. Someone who is allowed to do whatever she wants. Someone who is a river that flows to the seas. Someone who is free.  
I smiled to myself. Yes, that’s me.

After a few more minutes, I sat down the same couch where Taehyung and I have just been hours ago, feeling more ready than usual. Did I over prepare? Or was I underdressed? What is he going to think if he sees me? I’m filled with both excitement and worry, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past 11 days since I met him, it’s to live in the moment and enjoy all things with a carefree heart. When we shared those walks under the moon of Switzerland. When we drank carelessly in the sun. When I shared to him my darkest feelings and when he held my hand and I hugged him back. When he played the piano and I sang in front of many strangers. When I invited him over just so I could draw his face. When we cuddled in our sleep. When we continued to keep in touch because we never enjoyed talking to other people like we did with each other. When I invited him over to my house just to see him again and when I let him drive us to the beach. When I let him kiss me. When I let him kiss me again, poisoned with wine. When we started to explore each other’s desires. Our bodies. Our heart. All of these good and amazing things happened because we decided to live in the now. So why else would I worry just because of a mere piece of clothing?  
Afterward, my phone rang loudly and I picked it up to answer. “Hey, where are you?” I asked.  
“I’m outside the apartment building. I can’t get in. There are so many students outside.”  
“You’re still inside your car?”  
“Yes.”  
Fucking kids. “Can you try and park inside the basement? I’ll come get you.”  
“The guards will have to see my face.”  
I sighed. He’s right. There’s no way for him to enter without getting recognized. The only way we could see each other right this time is if I go to him instead.  
“Is there any other place where we could meet?” I asked.  
Taehyung was silent for a few seconds before continuing, “I have a new empty apartment. There are less people around and we can go through the basement without you being seen.”  
I let out a sigh of relief. This night is not totally ruined. “Okay. I’ll just change. What’s your plate number again?”  
After he told me his plate number, I grabbed my long black coat and bucket hat. I looked at myself in the mirror again and sighed. This is just the start of all the secret escapades we have to go through to continue to meet. And I’ll do my best not to ruin this.  
I locked my apartment after me and immediately went downstairs. Outside, there are so many teens hanging out in the nearby cafe, maybe enjoying the last wave of holiday season before going back to studying for entrance exams. I passed them in incognito, and gladly, no one even cared. But if it’s Taehyung, they will know.  
I looked for his car and ran to it once found. I opened the car door, plopped down the passenger seat, and greeted him with a kiss on the cheek.  
He was surprised but smiled. “Hello to you, too.”  
I laughed and put on my seatbelt. “Come on, let’s go!”  
He laughed, too, and then started up the engine.  
It’s such a good night. I hope every day is as lighthearted as this.  
Taehyung turned on his music player and let his rich playlist consume the peace of the night. I watch him as he drives. He looks so happy. I am happy, too.  
Even with the rush decisions we keep on doing, I’m glad it’s only making us happy. So happy.

After almost an hour navigating through heavy holiday traffic, we finally reached our destination. He’s right. No one will ever know we’re here. The apartment building seems deserted of staff. The elevator car we rode directly led us to his floor. Long hallways of beige, and no one was around.  
“Are you sure this is not haunted?” I asked as Taehyung stopped in front of a varnished black door and opened it with his code.  
He laughed. “No. There are just no people around. They barely come in and out, like me. Just bought this for investment.”  
Taehyung finally opened the door, and I was suddenly awestruck in sight of his spacious apartment that’s overlooking the city.  
“Wow,” I muttered. “This is so big, and there are really no appliances and furniture?” I asked as I removed my ankle boots and went barefoot. “Do you bring girls here to kill? Like in the movies?”  
Taehyung laughed and dropped his bag on the big couch in the receiving area. “Your imagination is wild. I barely go here. Just when I need time alone, so a couch and a bed. No TV. Nothing yet. But if you’ll be here always, maybe I’ll start buying new things.”  
I smiled at him and raised an eyebrow. “Okay, Mr. Kim Taehyung.”  
I went to the couch and placed the chicken and pizza he bought on the table. “Come here. Let’s eat.” I removed my hat and started opening the containers.  
He sat beside me and helped me with arranging our food. “I should have come back a little earlier, but I couldn’t get out of the dorms easily with all their questions of why I suddenly have no pants.”  
I laughed and only noticed that he changed his outfit again. “The red shorts were decent. Don’t let them bully you.”  
“They were just suspicious of my actions lately.”  
I nodded as I picked up a pair of chopsticks and started crunching on my fried chicken. “My mom kept asking me and I won’t be surprised if she starts asking my members if they know something, but I’m not yet ready to tell her.”  
He gave me a sad smile. I know what he’s thinking. If it’s already this hard telling people we’re close with, what more when we need to tell a lot of people. Or do we even have to?  
Taehyung and I continued to eat in silence, or not. He was very aggressive with his chicken and pizza. Does he always eat like this?  
“Tell me if you want more, I’ll give you my portion.”  
He choked on his food and I handed him his bottle of water. He drank from it hungrily and let out a tiny burp after he’s done.  
I laughed. “What’s that?”  
“I was so hungry. I don’t think I’ve acted like this in front of you until now.”  
“It’s okay. I like seeing you eat. You always look like you enjoy everything.”  
“Same to you.”  
Taehyung smiled at me but gestured at my outfit. “You can hang your coat there. You don’t have to wear it here inside.”  
I just smiled at him. “I’ll take it off later. You’re not ready for me.”  
He squinted his eyes at me. “What are you hiding?”  
“Let’s finish eating first and then clean this up.”  
Taehyung continued to look at me suspiciously, but he went ahead with eating his food, now really fast. What’s the rush, Mr. Kim? You’ll see this later.  
We cleaned up quickly and brushed our teeth side by side in his enermous, well-lit bathroom.  
“You’re the only one I know who’s still wearing a long coat in a bathroom,” he said to me in gibberish while brushing his teeth.  
“Okay,” I said and then proceeded to untie the coat’s belt right in front of him, leaving it to fall unto my feet.  
I continued to brush my teeth, but Taehyung stopped, mesmerized, enchanted at my black lingerie.  
I smirked at him in the mirror when I finished and cleaned after me, putting his extra toothbrush in the holder. I grabbed a towelette and patted myself dry and picked up my coat before I went outside, making sure he’s watching me sway my hips on my way out. I only do these things onstage. Now, I’m doing it for him only. 

I put the coat on the sofa and explored his big apartment. There are two rooms on my right, one is empty, one has a big bed in the middle. We are so high up in the sky, it’s making me dizzy just to look down through the floor-to-ceiling windows, but I continued to watch the lights from faraway flicker and dance along the calm waters of Han River. Such a beautiful scenery. 

After a few minutes, I watched Taehyung’s reflection approach me from behind. He pulled me into a back hug, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin over my shoulder.  
“It’s too good to be true,” he whispered. “I still feel like you’re a dream. Something I will wake up from in the middle of the night.”  
I looked at him through his reflection in the mirror. Sincerity, genuineness, innocence—the only things I can see through his eyes. Me, too, Taehyung. I feel the same way. Why can’t we be just ordinary people who don’t have to worry every day of our lives if whatever it is between us is going to end in a blink of an eye? Why can’t we have a choice to take this slow, get to know each other better in such a phase where we won’t crash and burn? Why should we make big steps in this relationship in the fear of it getting taken away from us so quickly?  
I turned around and tiptoed to kiss him on the lips, lingering for a while, letting his breath become mine. I pulled back to smile at him. “If I ended up to be just a dream for you, remember me. Write me down. Think of me. And tell me. I will be your dream come true.”  
He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. “I’ll set up the lighting in my bedroom. The black curtains are good as a back drop.”  
I nodded and let him go.

At the doorway of his bedroom, I watched him get busy.  
At the doorway of his bedroom, I kept quiet, not knowing how to tell him I received a message earlier while he’s still in the bathroom, how to tell him there’s already a rumor about us, how to tell him this might be our last night together.  
At the doorway of his bedroom, I stayed frozen.  
We will never have our autumn nights.


	6. Chapter 6

In hindsight, we start to see things clearly for what they would have been. We say we should have known. We say we should have seen it coming. We say we should have been more cautious. More prepared. Rush decisions mixed with careless actions never lead to good things. In the end, they’re all bad choices with bad consequences. I should have known.

But right now, Taehyung and I are happy. I don’t need to tell him yet. I don’t need to ruin this night.

I watch him as he assembles two poles of lighting. He also takes out a mini reflector and a tall tripod.

“I thought you were just taking photos of my tattoos. Now, it feels like you’re going to film my whole body.”

“Is it okay? I just thought about it,” he looks at me nervously.

“It’s fine. I’m just glad that I’m ready.”

After a few minutes, Taehyung is frozen in his place, scratching his head and looking like he’s trying to remember something. “I forgot the cord. Also the inverter. I think I forgot to bring them,” he mutters to himself. He looks so uneasy.

I go to him and stroke his arm. “Hey, it’s fine. We can still do it another time.”

He looks down at me with his apologetic eyes. “Sorry, I was careless. I wanted to do this right.”

I smile at him. “You can still take photos of me without all this, though. I know they will still look good because it’s you who’s going to take it.”

Taehyung chuckles softly and then exhales deep. “Okay. It doesn’t have to be this serious. I’ll just set this aside.”

Taehyung starts disassembling his equipment, and watching him do his thing, I start to overthink and feel cold and detached. I need to be here in this moment and not distracted.

I go out to his kitchen and start opening his fridge and cabinets. There’s nothing much except for the wine he bought from Switzerland. I grab one bottle and then a small glass for me. I fill it and waste no time pouring it down my throat. I lean back on the kitchen counter and watch the lights from afar twinkle before me.

I hate feeling like this. You finally found another form of happiness, but it’s out of your hands. You can’t decide for yourself how you want it to happen or when you want it to end or if you don’t want it to end. Why is this world so unfair?

I pour myself another drink and I fill it until it overflows. I just want to get drunk. I down the alcohol in one shot and close my eyes, letting the poison run freely through my veins. Twelve days. Only 12 days of happiness.

“Hey, are you okay?”

I open my eyes and find him approaching me. I nod and gesture to the glass in my hand. “Sorry, I went ahead and opened the bottle.”

“It’s okay. Treat it as yours, too.” He smiles.

My God, that smile. I’ll never find a smile more beautiful than this.

Sensing that my mood has completely shifted, Taehyung grabs the glass from my hand and pours another drink to it. He drinks in one shot, too, like he’s trying to empathize with whatever sad feelings I have, but he coughs halfway.

I laugh and move to rub his back. “You don’t drink a lot, right? Don’t force it.”

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and looks at me with tears in his eyes. “How can you do this? This one is strong and bitter.”

“Because my tolerance is high!” I laugh again and pour us another glass. This time, I down only half of it and then hand him the other half. “It tastes better if you take it slow.”

“I took the alcohol in one shot earlier in your apartment.”

“No, you gave the half of it to me, remember?”

He squints his eyes at me but smiles when he remembers. Wanting to do it again, he drinks the alcohol from the glass and moves to kiss me. And I let him.

No, wine definitely tastes better if it’s coming from Taehyung’s lips.

I tug on his collar and kiss him harder. He holds onto my waist and pulls back in a few seconds, laughing.

“Now, are you okay?”

I laugh. “Let’s do this again.”

I poured us another drink and was about to drink from it, but Taehyung dragged me to the living area and took out his phone from his pocket.

“What are you doing?” I asked as he started playing an upbeat indie song, his favorite.

He placed his phone on the table and grabbed the glass and bottle from my hands and downed one more shot. He put the bottle on the table and grabbed my hand and started dancing.

I continued to laugh. “Taehyung, you’re so weird. What are you doing?”

He handed me the glass and made me drink. When I was done, he grabbed it from me again and placed it on the table. “You look like you need to dance, so let’s dance.” He span me in my place and moved to the rhythm of the song.

I threw my head back in laughter. This is so weird, but it’s also the most natural thing Taehyung and I would do.

Dancing and drinking and kissing in between. Me in my black lingerie, him in his shirt and pants, both of us barefoot, just enjoying the moment. Always living in the moment. Because that’s all we could ever do in this kind of life we are living.

We continued to enjoy the youth of the night. Swaying our hips to the groove of the music we enjoy but with lyrics we don’t even understand. Mimicking all the instruments we hear or can’t hear. Spinning around like children. Being this crazy and so carefree is our specialty. I’m so, so happy with him, and I can feel that he’s so happy to be with me, too.

Countless songs have passed, the wine has vanished, but our energy does not seem to be decreasing. I’m more drunk than I should be, but my inhibitions are lowered tonight. I just want to walk on clouds with my current favorite person.

When a slower song started playing, Taehyung went to grab a new bottle of wine. He poured us another drink and shared it with a kiss. He likes this so much. So we kept on doing it again and again. Dance, drink, and kiss.

He’s holding me close with both of his big hands on my waist. My arms are around him, too. I looked up at him. He’s so tall. So handsome. So perfect. I hugged him again. He’s so big. So warm. So perfect.

“I’ll take your photos now,” he whispered, his hot breath tickling my ears.

I nodded in his embrace and felt Taehyung lift me up and carry me like I’m featherweight. I gasped at the sudden movement and immediately wrapped my legs around him. He just smiled at me and then walked into his bedroom.

The wine bottle was forgotten. The music was forgotten. This time, Taehyung is going to paint me with every shutter of his camera. Every detail of me and my tattoos. To have him close like this, the fire in me is only burning more and more.

Taehyung laid me down at the center of his bed, my back slightly leaning against the pillows at the headboard, my bare thighs and legs displayed in all their glory. Despite the cool of the dimly lit room and my thin silk lingerie, the alcohol in my system and my desire to kiss him again are heating me up.

Taehyung was busy fixing the settings of his camera at the foot of the bed, aiming the focus at me and then fixing it again. After two more tries, he finally looked at me properly.

“So gorgeous,” he muttered under his breath. He took a few shots of me doing nothing, just staring and slightly smiling at him.

Taehyung inched closer but not enough to reach me and then captured the long tattoo on my left arm. He made me pose like I was hiding from the camera behind my arm, emphasizing the letters that signify my love for art. Next, he took shots of my right upper arm tattoo, my own sketch of a girl biting on a flower. Taehyung made me lay down so I could relax my arm and have my long hair sprawled underneath it.

Lying down like this in front of him, my wavy hair messy before him, my lingerie inching up my thighs, my heart is in chaos. I just want to surrender to him completely. This act is killing me.

I looked at Taehyung and watch as he continues to look at me through the lens of the camera. Why is he so calm after all the drink and the kisses we shared earlier? Why doesn’t he show the same thirst I’m feeling for him? Why can’t he just throw his camera away and focus on me? How can he not take a hint?

Frustrated, I buried myself more into the bed and closed my eyes. If we were an ordinary twosome, I wouldn’t feel this way. I’m in so much hurry. I want to do so much with him until we can’t anymore, and the clock is ticking. This is our last.

“Hey, are you okay?” he whispered.

I just sighed in response but I sat upright and looked him in his eyes. He’s so beautiful and it’s making me distracted and forget what I’m about to say.

“Do you want to sleep now?”

I shook my head. What I want is to kiss you again, Taehyung.

He smiled sheepishly at me. “I’ll finish taking all of your tattoos first, then I’ll kiss you again.”

I squinted my eyes at him. “Did I say that out loud?”

He chuckled softly. “No, but that’s what you’re saying by the look in your face.”

“Am I that obvious?”

“Yes, and you’re just that cute.”

I gaped at him. “How can you call me cute?” I said, suddenly feeling frustrated. “I’m wearing nothing but panties under this nightgown and all you can say is that I’m cute?”

Taehyung looked me in the eyes so hard like he doesn’t want to wander his gaze elsewhere. He remained quiet for a minute and ignored my rant and went on with taking photos of my tattoos. Like it’s a job.

He focused on the small tattoo on my right index finger. He asked me to mimic someone trying to silence someone else and took the photo from my side, my finger grazing my lips, making myself quiver from this slow burn act.

Not moving from my right side, Taehyung started to capture my neck tattoo. I gathered my hair from the right and let it flow down another.

This time, Taehyung touched me on the skin on my neck, and I couldn’t help but sigh at the contact. He lifted up my chin to the side, asking for more access. I helped him and tilted my head.

And now, Taehyung’s favorite tattoo, the one that sits under my collarbone.

He smiled at me, at the memory. He then moved in front of me, practically straddling me. And I like it. He’s not refusing to give me the physical contact that I need.

Taehyung traced the letters of my tattoo again before taking a few shots of it. Before leaving for my ankle tattoo, he did something that made me unnecessarily moan. He kissed my collarbone.

His lips are so soft. His lips are so heavenly. His lips are so sinful.

“My other tattoos are jealous,” I said to tease him, but the quiver in my voice showed.

Taehyung smiled. “I’ll take time. Don’t worry.”

Then, he pulled back and went downward to my feet. He touched my right ankle and took photo of it. I don’t know how many shots or how many angles. I’m just here in front of him, my mind clouded with thoughts of him touching me more, and he’s refusing to.

“It’s done,” he said.

I opened my eyes and found him moving to put the camera on the table beside me, but I stopped him. I don’t want this to end.

“I have another tattoo,” I said, my voice shaking, second-guessing the decision I’m going to make.

He looks puzzled. “There were only six, right?”

“No, I have another one.” I paused and exhaled deep. “It’s our secret. Come here.”

Taehyung looks so confused, but he went closer, next to me. He tucks his legs under him and is waiting for me to point where my secret tattoo is.

I tried to smile at him but bit my lower lip out of shyness. I start to pull up the hem of my lingerie, the silk sliding up my thighs, up until it exposes my lacy black undies and then the small script tattoo peeking above my left pelvic bone. More of my skin is exposed now, but it’s not the cold air that’s making me shiver. It’s his eyes. It feels as if I’m getting inked up one more time with the way his eyes are burning through my skin. I held my breath and the pain he’s giving me by looking at my tattoo, my body, and then my eyes and not doing anything about it. Dark, unreadable. What are you thinking, Taehyung?

A second has passed and he picked up his camera again and kneeled in front of me, his knees in between my bare thighs, so near at the heat of my core. He carefully touched the letters on my skin with his rough fingers, tracing them like he did with my collarbone.

Only this time, I couldn’t hold back anymore and let my head fall back down the pillows and elicit inaudible whimper. It’s too much. And it’s just my pelvic bone, and it’s already too much.

Taehyung is so quiet while taking photos of it. No questions where I got it, what’s my inspiration, or why in this particular part of my body. He’s just taking his time taking shots of it and then touching it. What is he thinking?

After a few seconds, I felt the bed sink to the side and found Taehyung walking outside of the room.

Suddenly embarrassed at the absence of his warmth, so naked, so exposed, so vulnerable, I pulled down my lingerie.

My heart started to beat erratically out of anxiety, out of shame. Was what I did too much? What if we’re not on the same page right now and I’m rushing us. Uncomfortable not knowing, I decided to get up and face him. If there’s a time when we should sort our situation and feelings, it’s now. I put on my brave face and grabbed his thick white blanket and wrapped it over my small body.

Taehyung is standing there in the middle of the living room, his camera now sitting on top of the coffee table, abandoned. His back is facing me, and his figure seems so rigid and stiff. The way he’s rubbing his face with both of his hands is making me uneasy. What did I do?

“Taehyung,” my tiny voice called to him from the doorway of his bedroom. I’m afraid to make him more uncomfortable with me.

At the sound of my voice, he turned around, and only then I could see the anguish in his eyes, like he’s having a hard time with all his feelings and words, like he’s mirroring me. I in him. He in me.

He rubbed his nape while looking at me. I’ve never seen him this tortured. What’s going on, Taehyung?

I started to approach him, not knowing what to say. All I want is to be near him, so maybe I could know what is going through his mind right now. I slowly dragged my feet and the blanket along the cold floor, dreading every second of this eerie silence.

Now in front of him, Taehyung reached out and touched my face, my messy hair, my neck, my shoulders.

“What are you thinking?”

He’s not saying anything and continued to look at me with such bewilderment. He stepped closer and made the blanket around me fall to our feet. “Wheein,” he whispered. “I… I tried not to. But you...” Taehyung trailed in his words, not knowing anymore to say, so he looked at me one last time before he held my jaw and kissed me hard, so hard that he took my breath. I closed my eyes and let him kiss me more with all the pent-up desire he’s only letting me know now.

His mouth still tastes like wine. His hand holds my jaw. His hand caresses my hair, his hand gropes my ass. His hand is everywhere.

I hold onto his shoulders as he backs me up the glass window before us. The same window that overlooks the city of the same people who we’re supposed to hide our happiness from, who we should please so we won’t get hurt or the people we love.

The ache grows bigger in my heart it feels heavy. I cling to Taehyung more, and he lifts me up the glass. I wrap my legs around him to adjust to his height, the hem of my lingerie now completely hiked up around my waist, and I moan through our kiss. I can feel him again right there at my core, a mere piece of lace separating me from him.

I pulled back to breathe and looked directly at his eyes.

So bewildered. So full of desire.

“What were you thinking?” I asked, my voice hoarse from the wine, the cold, the heat, the kiss.

“You. You’re all I’m thinking about, and how much I want you. How much you make me want you all the time.” Taehyung’s voice. It’s so deep. It’s enough to make me burn with more desire and arch my back and roll my head.

Taehyung took advantage of it and started planting kisses on my neck. “Wheein, I’m not this kind of person. What did you do to me?”

I answered with a moan. I’m not this kind of person, too, Taehyung. What did you do to me?

Taehyung kissed me again in the mouth as he started carrying me into his bedroom. He laid us down at the foot of the bed with my legs dangling to the floor. I pushed him more to me with my legs and made a subtle thrust. I want to feel him again.

He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “Are you sure you want this as much as me?”

“Even more,” I whispered.

He kissed me again and bit my lower lip. “Making sure. I don’t want to stop.”

I smiled at him. “Then, let’s never stop.”

He smiled back at me, and that’s when I know I never want to let him go.

I watched with hazy eyes how he effortlessly, sexily took off his shirt, revealing the slim and lean body he’s been hiding. I reached out to touch his hard stomach down to his sweatpants and tugged at it. He chuckled softly at me but let me pull it down for him. When he’s finally left with his boxers, he kissed me again on the lips and pulled back again and started kissing my neck.

I exhaled uneven breaths and held onto his arms while his hand strokes the strands of my hair and the other teasingly pulls down the strap of my lingerie. His kisses move on from my neck to my ear to my shoulder, my collarbone, and he stops.

I lift my head and look at him. He smiles at me before he goes down to the floor and kneels and softly touches my tattoo.

“Wheein,” he whispered. “You know what you want to happen when you showed this to me, right?”

I propped my arms behind me to watch him and grunted in response. He’s just looking at my exposed skin.

“You know you’re going to make me want you so much all of my insides will hurt.” He holds my waist and starts kissing my tattoo, and my hands instantly crumpled the sheet under me.

“You know your effect on me. You know that I will give in. You know what you’re doing to me.” His hand touches my inner thigh, and like an unspoken command, I spread my legs wider for him.

“You know that I want you so much, but you’re making me want you more.” With no warning at all, he kisses my thighs up until right where my body aches for him. But even with the lace separating his lips from me, the sensation reverberates to my whole body. My head falls back and I ache for him more.

“Please,” I beg in whisper, in prayer. “Please, Taehyung.” My body is weak, so weak my arms give in and I fall back the bed again, just waiting for him to give me more.

He carefully pulls down the lace and it’s only me and him now. No more boundaries.

Just him.

And me.

Taehyung takes his time to get to know me. He kisses me. He whispers sweet nothings to me. He prepares me for him. He knows just how to take care of me. And I writhe in pleasure and anticipation of what’s more to come.

My heart and my mind and my soul and my body and my strength are nothing but just one-dimensional abstract of need. All I want is for Taehyung to fill me with his own needs and wants and everything. I want him.

I need him.

Taehyung kisses my thighs and comes back up to kiss my shoulders. Like a feather, he easily carries me to the center of his bed.

I watch him watch me.

“So beautiful,” he whispered before he starts kissing me again on the lips.

I sighed. There’s nothing better than his kiss. So pure, no malice.

Taehyung broke our kiss and started to take off my lingerie for me. He pulls up the hem of the silk and drags it over my head, now fully exposing my body to him. He smiles and bends down to kiss me, my neck, my shoulder, my chest.

I hold onto his shoulder and pushes him to me so I could kiss him more. This time so softly like it’s a warm up for the things we will do.

He opens my mouth with his tongue and kisses me deeper than ever. He finds my hands and intertwines with his. He bits my lip and looks at me one more time, searching my eyes, asking me again with unspoken words.

I arch my back in response and wraps my legs around his torso. This is what I want, Taehyung. There’s nothing more I want than having you inside me.

Taehyung continues to watch the desire and the pain that are pooling in my eyes as he starts joining us together, making us one. Like a dance, he pins my hands over our heads and leads me to move in his groove and rhythm, and our music is our bodies.

It feels like that first night we shared dinner together. Soft music was playing while we continued to indulge our appetite with wine and gazes to each other. We were taking note of each other’s most little of movements as if we’re discovering who he was and what I was. Only this time, we’re discovering each other in a more intimate way, skin to skin, chest to chest.

Twelve days. That’s how short we have only known each other, but in this short time, Taehyung and I found a connection in us that we will never find with other people. The way we tend to like the same things, the way we can understand one another’s feelings by just a look in the eyes, the way we can comfort each other in means no will ever grasp. The way we’re like one person in our thinking, our attributes, and now our bodies.

I hold onto his arms tighter when I start to feel the spasms all over my body. Taehyung does the same and buries his head at the crook of my neck.

“Taehyung,” I whisper and repeat his name over and over again.

He answers in grunts and I answer back with moans.

No other sensation can ever top this. Me and Him. Just us, no one. No other things.

“Taehyung,” I say his name again, now louder, finally feeling the white hot rush from my core through my nerves, my veins, my toes, my fingertips, my whole being.

He follows in a few seconds, and I suddenly feel warm liquid on my stomach.

I open my eyes and watch as Taehyung smiles at me. Just like earlier, he wipes the sweat and hair that got caught in my face and lovingly kisses my cheeks, my nose, my eyelids, and my forehead. I smile at his little, sweet action. He always knows how to take care of me.

Even with the hazy feeling and the energy draining out of me, I can still feel how he attends to me. He cleans me up, drapes the thick blanket over us, and covers me with his warm body. I bury my head in his chest and use his arm as a pillow. He hugs me and I hug him tighter.

I smile. It’s so easy to love him.

***

It’s still dark outside when I wake up with Taehyung not beside me. I sit up and start looking for him. If it’s not for our circumstances, I wouldn’t have been feeling this way every time he goes out of my sight. I feel anxious. I feel needy. I feel more than clingy. I get up and wrap the blanket over my naked body.

Taehyung is sitting on his couch wearing his boxers, drinking the last of the wine in the bottle we opened earlier, and browsing through his camera. He looks uneasy and full of torment. So full of thoughts. He looks like he wants to drink to oblivion. Like he wants to forget everything.

But he smiles when he finds me approaching him. He puts the glass and the camera on top of the table and open his arms for me.

I sigh. Useless thoughts. I should have known by now that Taehyung never makes me feel like he’s leaving me. I sit beside him and let him wrap himself over me.

“Did you sleep well?” He asks.

I nod. “I’ve never slept better.” I gaze outside the glass window. The sun is starting to taint the dark sky with purple. Our time together is bound to end. “What were you just thinking?” I ask him.

He’s silent for a few seconds.

“Tell me. You know I’m willing to listen,” I urge while looking at his eyes.

He smiles at me and sighs. “I’m worried about us.”

I hold my breath. Of course, he’s thinking of this, too.

“I don’t know if I should tell you to not worry, because I myself am worrying for us, too,” he continues. “I have questions in my head, but I don’t know who to talk to. We’ve only known each other for two weeks, yet I already feel so strongly about you. We’re so comfortable with each other, so honest with the way we tell each other our feelings through both words and actions. I have never been like this with someone. To be vulnerable and open. All that in 12 days, only 4 of which we were able to spend with each other in close proximity.” Taehyung then grabbed my hand and held it in his palms.

“I don’t even know what we are. What are we, Wheein?”

I stay silent, because I don’t know what we are, too.

“I’m worried about people close to us finding about us. Will they get hurt? Will they support us? Or they will support us but eventually get hurt because of us?”

I nod. I feel the same way, too.

“I’m also worried about fans finding about us. They are people who I love dearly, too, and I’m sure they want the best for me, but I don’t think they’re ready for something like this. Even talking to you through the phone makes me feel that I’m cheating on them.”

I nod again, totally understanding what he’s saying. “We cheated a lot,” I say, smiling. “There’s only one way to not feel this guilt. It’s to tell them ourselves. But we both know it’s not that easy. Many people will get hurt.”

He looks at me with sadness and then suddenly holds my head to kiss it. “You’re a once in a lifetime, Wheein,” he whispers. “I don’t want to let you go.”

I want to tell him we can’t continue. I want to tell him someone saw us outside my house in Jeonju and took a picture of us. I want to tell him tomorrow might never be the same. We should let each other go. We’re never really going to work out in the first place. We’re doomed from the start. We’re just fooling each other and lying to ourselves. But I don’t know how to.

I stay wrapped in his warm presence, sadness and gloom clouding over us.

It’s like when we were in that hotel room in Switzerland. We were so desperate to have more time together. I was so afraid he would leave me and never turn back, but it turns out when the morning comes, I know I’m the one who would leave him first. And never turn back.


	7. Chapter 7

_Breaking News_

Member of Boy Group BTS is Reportedly Dating.

While celebrating Chuseok, a member of BTS was seen hanging out with his alleged girlfriend, who is still unknown at the time of reporting. Agency has yet to respond.


	8. Chapter 8

She’s a sky full of stars. She lights up the path. She’s a sky. She’s a sky full of stars. She’s such a heavenly view.  
I don’t know if this happens to everyone or it’s just me, but whenever I look at her, this song just keeps playing in my head. She’s a sky full of stars.  
I try not to show it when I watch her from afar, singing and dancing, performing for all the world to see. I try not to show how I’m amazed by her charms. I can’t let anyone know that to me, she’s the one who shines the most, but my eyes are betraying me. I only want to look at her. In a sky full of stars, she’s the only one I see.  
It started a year ago when we finally met for work. She’s so tiny, but that tiny frame also has the biggest laugh. She unconsciously makes everyone adore her by just her presence. She listens intently to everyone who talks to her like they’re the most interesting person ever. She looks at you with doe eyes and attentiveness that not a lot of people show. Her eyes have twinkle inside them that reminds you of the universe and something larger beyond. Her little nods and shy smile here and there are so hypnotic you just want to look at her all day and do everything just to make her smile.  
She’s also quiet and reserved. She makes you curious at what she’s thinking whenever she stares at something with pure attention or what she stops thinking about when she spaces out. I want to know. I want to look at her. I want to make her smile. I want to get to know her.  
But she’s a sky, so I told myself, maybe it’s just a small fascination. It will go away. Maybe I can forget about her crescent eyes, her deep dimple that gets deeper with her heart-shaped smile, and her laughter larger than life. Maybe it’s just nothing.  
Yet, a year has passed and this small fascination only grew stronger. Every time I watch her perform together with her group, I can’t help but be magnetized by her voice and body and her beauty. How is it possible she only gets more cute and prettier as time goes by? Every time I pass by her backstage, I want to stop and just admire her cool style and her adorable actions. I have to know her. I have to hear that laughter again. I want her to look at me the way I look at her. I want her to laugh at my clumsiness and failed attempt to make her look at me the way I look at her. I want her to smile because of me. I have to get to know her.

After their performance at a festival our groups were both invited to perform for, I chance by backstage to look for her. I told my manager, I have to go to the restroom. A flimsy excuse just to see her and talk to her.  
And there she goes, standing alone by the door of their waiting room, leaning back while playing with her phone and no care at all at the chaos of everyone around her. She’s so at peace, I almost don’t want to approach her, but I have to. There’s no other way and time and place. I have to be brave.

“Hey,” I called softly, afraid I might scare her away. I’m standing at least one meter away from her, fidgeting and switching weight between my two feet. I have never been this nervous, I realized. I have never asked someone for their number before. What am I doing?  
She looks up from her phone and her face looks shocked upon seeing me. “Hey,” she calls back in a whisper. “Anything you need?”  
“Ugh,” I mutter, stuttering, forgetting what I should say or if I ever have a plan in the first place. “Nothing. Just wondering if you know me.”  
“Of course, I know you,” she says, now awkwardly laughing.  
Of course she knows me. I’m so stupid to even ask that. My nervousness is already showing. I clear my throat and suddenly look away. “Just wondering if we can be friends. Have your number. That’s all.” I hold my breath.  
“Friends?”  
“Yup,” I say, my tone so high-pitched and short. I look at her and find her smiling at me.  
Oh God, that smile. I’ll never find a smile more beautiful than this.  
I can’t help but smile in return. She’s so beautiful.  
But it seems that fate is not on my side this time. Her manager calls for her and she excuses herself. Just like that, she’s gone from my sight. I sigh and stare at the space that once was her.  
Maybe it’s not meant to be.  
Maybe I can’t push to be friends with her. It’s complicated in the first place. I’m only going to bring trouble to the both of us and the people around us.  
She will continue to be a sky. A sky full of stars.  
Maybe someday in another time or place or another universe, we will meet again. She will finally give me her number, and it’s not going to be complicated. And just like in the song that keeps playing in my head, I’m gonna give her my heart. I don’t care if she’s gonna tear me apart. She’s my sky full of stars.  
Wheein, I’m gonna give you my heart.


	9. Chapter 9

Sunrise has never been this beautiful. It’s so serene the way the short rays of light seep through the high glass windows of the bedroom, fairly covered with the curtains that hide us from the world. I gaze at the beauty of the Han River and the beauty of Taehyung on top of me as he gently makes love to me one more time. He smiles at me, and I smile back. He’s so beautiful. His smile, his eyes, they speak to me with sincerity, kindness, and adoration. I adore you, too, Taehyung.  
I close my eyes and relish in the bliss of this moment. He kisses my neck, I hold onto his arms. His skin feels cold from the sweat but also warm with his tenderness. It’s been forever since I kissed him on that couch, and he responded with more kisses. He unwrapped the blanket and carried my naked body back to his bedroom. He said he wanted to make love to me again, and I said again and again. He snickered at me because he thought I have something to do this morning. I nibbled at his ear and whispered there’s nothing else I wanted to do but him. He smiled and said nothing more. He made love to me fast and aggressive, and then slow and gentle. I said again and again and he did.  
Now, he guides me to sit upright and then falls down the bed, making me the one to lead this time. He laughs softly as he watches me figure out what to do.  
“Shut up,” I say and slap him on his chest.  
He holds onto my waist and guides me. “You look beautiful,” he says.  
I smile at him but rolls my head back as the tremor of our act starts to build up.  
It feels like eternity being joined as one in this secret paradise we build for the two of us. It’s not easy going on like this, enjoying the little time we have knowing there’s a storm coming, but Taehyung makes me forget about it all. He makes me want to stay with him forever like this, and at this moment, I don’t even care if we cheat a lot on the people we love. I just want to be with him. Like this. As long as we can.

The sun has become brighter the curtains cannot conceal it anymore, but I stay here, cocooned in thick blankets and Taehyung’s warm body.  
“Serendipity,” I whisper.  
“What?” he asks and then touches the hair that got caught in my face.  
“The tattoo on my pelvic bone. It’s just new. I got it in Switzerland.”  
He acts shocked. “Oh, you didn’t tell me. We texted a lot while you were still there.”  
I reach out to touch his eyebrows. It’s my favorite Taehyung thing next to his lips. “I’m shy.”  
He furrows his eyebrows at me. “Sure.”  
“It takes a perfect timing,” I laugh softly and then play with the curls of his hair.  
He laughs, too. “The timing is perfect.”  
“Yes, that’s what I thought, too, when I decided to get that tattoo.” I look at him sincerely. “I don’t want you to feel burdened with this, but I got it because of you.”  
Taehyung gives me a confused look.  
I smile shyly at him and put my hand on his chest. “I was not in my best condition when I decided to go to Switzerland. My mom and dad insisted they wanted to go with me. They didn’t want me to go alone because they knew I needed support, but I pushed on even with all those uncertainties, and then I met you unexpectedly.”  
He smiles at me and suddenly kisses my hair.  
“I know we just met,” I go on. “But that time in Switzerland with you has helped me a lot inside. You listened to me and told me it’s okay to cry. I never cried so hard because I felt so free. I felt so free, Taehyung. To do all those things while not worrying about what other people will think of me, that’s the most freedom I got since I became someone whose life people always scrutinize. You represent the freedom that I didn’t know I wanted.”  
He looks at me with sad eyes and wipes the tears welling from my eyes. Just like that moment at the lakeshore, he stays quiet and just listens to me.  
I smile again. “Serendipity means finding something beautiful when you least expect it.”  
He hugs me and hides me in his chest. He seems like he wants to say something but hesitates for a bit, and then he whispers, “You’re like that to me, too. I thought I feel fine, but you opened something inside me. There are so many things I didn’t realize I needed, and you helped me with that. And I have never been more thankful.”  
I stay quiet in his embrace. For him, this might just be a sweet pillow talk, but for me, this is bittersweet. All the more reason that I have to tell him. I need to tell him.

After a few more minutes of cuddling, Taehyung gets up to prepare breakfast, and I head to the bathroom to freshen up and dress myself. Once finished, I go to the kitchen counter and sit on one of the stools. He watches me play with the cuff sleeve of my coat.  
“Are you alright?” he asks as he puts down hot coffee in front of me.  
I nod.  
“You seem like you want to say something.”  
I hesitantly smile at him and eventually nod.  
“Go ahead. Tell me.”  
“Someone saw us.”  
Taehyung’s eyes furrowed and his relaxed body has tensed.  
“Someone sent my manager a photo of us hugging outside my house that night we got back from the beach.” I grab my phone and show it to him. Luckily, he couldn’t be seen in the photo. It’s dark and he’s wearing a cap. We just came back from our short trip to the beach and he’s hugging me goodbye, my big smile so evident even through a low-quality picture. But the car and plate number would give him away if ever the photo would spread around. We couldn’t risk it more than this. “Although you’re not seen, there’s no telling if the sender got more photos.”  
“Do you know who sent it?” He sits on the stool beside me.  
“It’s anonymous. My manager said it could only be two things: a nosy neighbor that has my manager’s number or a reporter that’s been following me.”  
Taehyung closes his eyes.  
“But I never have people follow me on the daily, Taehyung, none that I know of anyway. On the unfortunate side, which is more likely to happen, maybe you’re the one being followed, and even though you’re not seen on the photo, both of us can still be named.”  
He rubs the back of his neck and sighs. “Whether I’m named or not, I’m really worried about you. Whoever the guy is, people still find faults on the girl.”  
I stroke his arm. “I don’t think people would be interested in the people I meet. They’ll probably just brush it off.”  
Taehyung stares at me and gives me a hard look. “Don’t say that. People care.”  
I give him a sad smile and stay quiet for a few seconds, just looking at him. He’s unreadable. Just like last night when I found him standing in the middle of the living room, so full of agony and sadness, but in a way, still indecipherable.  
“What are you thinking?” I ask him.  
“Was there a threat when the photo was sent to you?” Taehyung must be drawing scenarios in his head right now.  
“Nothing. Just a photo.”  
He sighs. “I don’t know what to do. If they release it and we’re asked what we are to each other when we haven’t even had the chance to get to know each other more, we will feel rushed and pressured to say ‘yes, we’re together,’ but also will be lying to each other and everyone else to deny and say ‘no, we’re just friends,’ because I know, Wheein, that we can’t just be friends.” He pauses. “You feel the same way, right?”  
I nod.  
“Let’s just stay low profile and contact each other through phone,” he says.  
“We won’t meet again like this?” I ask.  
“Until we’re sure it’s safe.”  
We stay quiet side by side. It’s just dawning on both of us how bad things might go, but we have nothing else to do but to be careful.  
I get down from the chair and hug him from behind. “I’m scared,” I whisper against his shirt.  
Taehyung takes my arms and intertwines it with his. This might be the last time we can hug each other freely like this. We’re both scared.

Taehyung offers to take me home. He doesn’t like that I’m going home alone after the night we had. However, he stays quiet throughout the ride home. The music in the background is so soft, but it still manages to fill the whole space. It’s so silent like the almost empty streets of Seoul. Everyone must still be in their hometowns, enjoying their one last day with their loved ones. Like Taehyung and I.  
“If we meet for work, should we pretend we don’t know each other like this?” I ask, feeling like a child asking her teacher on what to do.  
He nods from the driver’s seat.  
“Should we not mention each other even to our close friends?”  
He nods again.  
“After the holidays, both of us we’ll be busy. We probably won’t have time to constantly contact each other anyway, right?”  
He nods again, this time giving me a timid smile. He steers around a corner and makes a stop in front of my building. He sighs and quietly stares at the calm neighborhood. It’s too early for a Sunday morning, and everyone who might be staying in the city is still asleep. He then lets go of the wheel, leans back on his seat, and stares at me. “This time, we really need to refrain from missing each other so much so strongly, so we could avoid weekends like this.”  
I imitate him. “How do you do that? How do you stop yourself from missing someone so much?”  
“I don’t know. You’re still in front of me, but I’m already missing you.” His voice is low but soft.  
I smile at him. I miss him already, too. What more when we can’t even see each other freely and contact each other all the time because of how busy we are? How will we take this?  
I lean forward and touch his face and give him a sweet kiss on the lips.  
He laughs softly and then takes my face into his hands, too. He proceeds to nibble on my bottom lip and kisses me deeper. “You shouldn’t have kissed me.”  
“Why?” I ask in between our breaths.  
“You’re making it hard for me to stay away from you. How can I pretend you’re just a stranger to me in public knowing that your lips are the sweetest I have ever tasted?” He kisses me again so hard it leaves no more room for us to breathe but each other’s air.  
I close my eyes and kiss him back, falling deeper into the delight of this bittersweet moment. It’s not just the kiss that we’re going to miss from each other. It’s the connection we feel whenever we share even the most random of stories, how it’s easy to understand one another even with just a look in the eyes, how we crave for something more profound and surprisingly find it in this invisible space between us. It’s the little things, and even the big things, we never experience with other people but with each other.  
We join our lips and skin and body in consequence of this understanding between us. Not the other way around. And I like kissing him not only because he’s a good kisser, but because no one kisses like Taehyung. Because they’ll never be Taehyung.  
“Sing for me,” he whispers.  
I laugh softly and then bit on his lower lip. “Why?”  
“Nothing. Just want to hear your voice.”  
I pull back and look at him with a smile. “You can always hear me sing through our songs.”  
“You’re already here. It’s what I want.”  
“Okay, but I’ll sing directly to your ear.”  
He laughs. “Okay, but that’s weird.”  
I lean more onto him and cup his ear with my hands. And giggle. I pull back a little bit and hold onto his arm.  
“Why are you laughing?” he asks while laughing, too.  
“Because it’s funny. I don’t even know what to sing.”  
“Anything will do. Even the Pororo song.”  
I nod, thinking it’s a good idea. “Okay. Game.” I lean onto him again and start singing.  
But instead of laughing, Taehyung is so quiet. He has closed his eyes and just sits there, intently listening to me, like he’s listening to a whole orchestra playing the best music he has ever heard. It warms my heart that he appreciates me so much, but it also pains me that he’s doing this because he wants to savor every last bit of our moments together.  
I stop and watch him get confused. I can’t hold back, I want to kiss him again.  
I fist the collar of his shirt, pull him to me, and once again, join our lips together.  
This is how we’re saying goodbye. Every touch of his lips to mine says ‘I will miss your smile, your touch.’ Every breath of his that becomes mine tells me ‘I will never have something like this again.’ And every beat of his heart against my hand continually calls out my name just because.  
We are always saying goodbye, but I guess this is just how it is for us. Uncertain. Doomed from the start. Never meant to be.  
It takes us forever to finally let go. I give him one last peck on the cheeks before I fumble on the buckle of my seatbelt and open the passenger door, but somehow, I can’t get off. I look at him one more time and give him my bright smile. “I’ll text you later.” And then, I force myself to get out of this small space that only gets smaller and try my best not to look back with a sad smile.  
We both know sooner or later that photo will spread around, and if both of us are going to be named, what happens next is uncertain. We’re doomed from the start anyways. Why did we fool ourselves into thinking everything’s okay and we can do whatever we want? This world is cruel. We can never be friends.  
It’s never meant to be.

***

I grip the phone in my hands as I look at the news in front of me. I sit at the floor of the dim-lit practice room, surrounded by endless mirrors that perfectly perpetuate and magnify the mixed feelings I have right now. So alone, but it feels like there are hundreds of me experiencing this nightmare with me. It’s only been two days since Taehyung and I last saw each other. We try to refrain from being on our phones, so afraid we will want to see each other more than we already do. Two days of trying to be chirpy in our messages and brief calls, all while knowing there’s a dark cloud brooding over us. The cloud that has finally opened with a storm today.  
But it’s not us.  
It’s not Taehyung. It’s not me. It’s not even Taehyung’s group member. It’s just a baseless rumor that has spread around with an unreliable source and photo. But no matter how baseless and pointless, the repercussions are already making rounds. Everyone is accusing every person they see. No one is happy.  
I scroll to watch more of this disaster unfold. Just like what both of us expected, nothing good will happen. There are people who are supportive if ever it’s true, but there are those who are in denial and have declared their stance to stop supporting. The media is cooking it and the public is eating it up. You can’t please everybody, it’s true. But even with the company already releasing a statement that it’s just an unfounded rumor and that someone else was just mistaken as a look alike, it has grown to nothing but a catastrophe, even to innocent people. What more when that photo of Taehyung and I get around? We can’t deny that. It’s going to be the end of us. We are going to crash and burn together with the people we love.  
I let go of my phone and lie on the floor. I stare at the ceiling and let my thoughts get ahead of me.  
Where is Taehyung? What is he thinking right now? Is it really the end of us? That precious time in Switzerland and in Jeonju and even here in Seoul, should we forget all of that ever exists? The smiles, the kisses, the laughter, the quiet, the crying, the snuggles, and all of that, should we really put them at the back of our minds like it’s nothing? Should we be each other’s Swiss wine, something so good but we have to keep to ourselves?  
I close my eyes and try to repeat it my head.  
My wine. My guilty pleasure, my secret. My secret.

My phone suddenly rings and alerts a new message. I get up and see that it’s from him.  
It’s taunting me, but I’m afraid to open it. There’s an ominous feeling inside that is telling me if I open the message, it’s going to be nothing else but bad. I’m so afraid to lose you, Taehyung. You’re a once in a lifetime to me, too. I don’t want to let you go.  
And my instinct is right. It’s the end of us.  
“Let’s not keep in touch anymore. I don’t want any of us to get hurt. Let’s not take more risks. Let’s make our good memories stay good. You’ve been a special someone to me. I’m forever grateful to have met you, but for now, let’s stay as strangers like we used to.”


	10. Chapter 10

I dreamt of this. Flashy lights, onstage and in the huge audience. Loud music, festive people. Anticipation to perform and receive their awards. Anticipation to watch and enjoy this night. But this time, it’s real.  
He’s there—thick, black hair, glamorous style—quiet and reserved. I’m here—long, dark hair, glamorous style—quiet and reserved, hoping it doesn’t show how much I want to look at him. How much I want to follow his every movement. Does he feel the same way, too? Even after almost three months of no contact and trying to forget, has he already moved on?  
Maybe he has.  
And it aches me, because I haven’t.  
I stare at the performance before me and try my best to not let my feelings show. Almost three months, I made it. I left that practice room, thinking to myself I would be someone so strong I won’t let two weeks of whirlwind romance take control of me. And I thought I succeeded. But seeing him again brings back all those memories and thoughts I buried inside.  
I remember it all. The emotions, the touches, the smiles, and every little thing of his entire being. I remember it all. The pain of missing him and knowing I cannot do anything about it. It consumes me.  
And I can’t tell if he feels the same way. He avoids me. He doesn’t look at me when I try to catch his eyes whenever he walks pass me. To him, I’m invisible.  
And I have to respect that because that’s what we agreed to do. Pretend we never exist to each other.  
Pretend.  
That I’m not hurting.

My members and I have decided to celebrate tonight in my apartment. We bought drinks and snacks and play music in the background. On the outside, I seem very playful and cheerful, but deep inside, the ache is still overwhelming me. Even all the alcohol and the food and the laughter are not enough to numb this pain. Nothing is enough.  
“Wheein, why are you quiet?” Hyejin, my dear friend, asks me. She’s sitting beside me on the couch and strokes my arm. She’s pouting very cutely and must have been tipsy. Our two older members, Yongsun and Byul are having their own conversation.  
“I was just making jokes earlier. Not quiet,” I say defensively.  
“No, you made jokes, and then you spaced out throughout one song and then I talked to you.”  
I roll my eyes at her jokingly. “Was just thinking. It’s nothing.”  
“You never tell me anything now!” She smacks me in the arm faintly and strokes it again.  
“I tell you everything.”  
“Really? I don’t think so. You’ve changed.”  
I face her and tuck my legs under me. “How did I change? I think I’m still the same.”  
Hyejin looks up and ponders on it. “Okay, maybe you’re still the same, but something definitely has happened! You try hard to not let it show, but you should have tried harder.” She holds up her hand and begins counting. “You space out so much. You think too much. You’re always staring at your phone like it’s speaking to you. And… you never tell me anything, especially after our vacation.”  
I just stare at her and, once again, try hard to hide that she’s right. I want to tell her, but I don’t want to open that short chapter of my life again. It’s so full of strong emotions, it will never be easy. I will be so overwhelmed. I will be so emotional. I don’t want her to see me this way.  
Realizing that I have gone quiet, Hyejin gives me a soft look and moves to hug me, but my phone decides it’s the perfect time to save me from my impending train wreck and lights up rings. I get up and immediately answer it, going to the bedroom for a quieter space.  
“Hello?” I ask over the line, and it’s just dawning on me that I have not checked the caller ID.  
Static and then silence.  
“Who’s this?” My heart starts racing out of nowhere.  
“Wheein.” Static and then silence.  
I gasp. It’s him. His deep voice. I’m not dreaming, right?  
I sit at the edge of my bed and cover my mouth to keep myself from saying something inaudible.  
“Wheein,” he says my name again and then laughs. “It’s so funny.” He slurs his words and sounds like he has been drinking to celebrate as well.  
“Are you drunk?” I manage to ask.  
“It’s so funny saying your name. I’m doing fine, Wheein. So fine, I almost convinced myself I already forgot about you. But you appeared again to me tonight. You look so beautiful, I was so afraid if I spare even a second to glance your way, I will breakdown and to hell damn it and go to you and take you in my arms and kiss you like we used to.” He pauses and says softly, “You look so beautiful, Wheein.”  
I stay quiet. Taehyung. He hasn’t forgotten about me. This is hard for him as it is for me. And I don’t know what this means. What does it mean, Taehyung? Why are you calling me while you’re drunk and saying things like you want to kiss me? Do you know what you’re doing to me?  
“Wheein, I miss you so much. I miss dialing your number. I miss saying your name. I miss talking to you and hearing your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss everything about you. Wheein, I miss you. Why can’t we be free? Why do we have to hurt so many people so we could be happy? I hate this, Wheein. I hate not being with you. I hate not hugging you and kissing you. Everything else is dull in comparison to the sunshine your smile always gives me. You know that no one smiles like you, right? You know that you’re a once in lifetime, and I will never find someone like you again. No one, Wheein. You’re the only one.”  
I look up at the ceiling and try not to say anything. I’m so afraid that if I show him how much I miss him, both of us would do something rash and then regret the consequences of our decisions again.  
“Taehyung.” Whispering his name makes my heart constrict like it’s hurting so much to function. “Go to sleep. You have worked hard so much today.” I pause and hesitate. “Congratulations on the awards. You deserve all of them.”  
I end the call before he has any chance to say anything.  
Congratulations. On the awards. I cover my mouth to keep myself from making a sound. Congratulations. On the awards. I say those words to him. After all that he has confessed to me. Congratulations. On the awards. Like it’s nothing.  
I need more drink to numb this pathetic life of mine. I get up and open the door, only to be welcomed by Hyejin who has probably sensed the sadness emanating from my small room. She doesn’t hesitate for any more second and immediately pulls me for a hug.  
And I cry.  
I cry all the hurt. All the pain this unfair world has given me for being happy. All the ache deep inside my heart that I only let these three important people know now for the first time. My heart feels so heavy. And with every tear I shed, it only gets heavier.  
This pain.  
It hurts so much.

I don’t know how long I’ve been crying, but the three of them have never stopped consoling me. They keep quiet and refrain from asking me questions. They take care of me and stay by my side until all the energy I have left in my body finally drains out of me.  
I go to sleep, crying, thinking about Taehyung and the words we have yet to say to each other and we will never do.

***

I go to work the day after. Too hangover. Too tired. Too sad to do anything. But still grinding to hide everything inside. I have no choice but to move on. It’s pointless to attempt to be happy again. We just had a relapse yesterday. We can start again today. Pretend that it’s nothing. That it’s okay.  
So I put on a brave mask and push through today.  
I almost believe it myself when we got through all of our activities until late in the evening without me breaking down. I almost believe it myself when I get down the company car and look up at my apartment building and say to myself, ‘You made it, Wheein. You can do it again tomorrow.’ I almost believe it until I hear his voice again calling my name, so near and so clear, but think to myself, ‘He’s not here. It’s just an illusion, Wheein.’  
Except it’s not. He’s standing right before me in his casual clothes with cap and mask.  
I nervously look around and watch out for any other people who might see us. “What are you doing here?”  
“I won’t do anything. I’ll just be quick.” His voice.  
I close my eyes for a second and let his voice echo inside my head one more time.  
“I just need to give you something,” he continues and fishes a small paper out of his pocket. He hesitates before giving it to me.  
I willfully accepts it, careful not to brush his hand against mine. I look at it, and it reads something like an address in Japan with a date and time. I stare at him, his eyes hidden behind his cap. His emotions are unreadable.  
“I want to show you something. It’s the day before our show, and I know you’ll be there. Please come on time. My last request.”  
I look at the piece of paper in my hands again and I am about to ask him, but when I look up, he’s not there anymore.  
I stand there, staring into the space that he has emptied, clueless, confused, but somehow certain this will be our last goodbye.  
In three days.  
I hold the paper against my chest, hoping it might ease the pain.  
In three days.  
I hold back the tears and continue to go in with my life.  
In three days.  
Will I be there?

***

The three days have passed so fast.  
And all I did was think of him.  
I thought of him as I climbed the many stairs to my floor. I thought of him as I opened my door. I thought of him as I pretended to fall back to sleep. I thought of him as I pretended to wake up. I thought of him as my group gathered in the morning for work. I thought of him as I repeat these things for the past three days.  
All I did was think of him.  
And the uncertain promise of this day.  
I thought of it, not going to him, because I don’t want to feel the ache of seeing him again and knowing that I can’t do anything about it. But here I am, mindlessly walking along the crowded streets of Shibuya, wearing a long beige coat over my shirt and slacks with a scarf around my neck, hiding from the cold of the night, hiding from everyone else, not knowing where to go. He must be waiting for me. It’s been 30 minutes past the time he has given me, but I cannot bring it to myself to go look at that crumpled piece of paper.  
I stop in front of a store. Through its glass window, you can see the bright lights illuminating and bouncing back to the small space filled with jewelry, diamonds, golds, silvers, and stones. It’s so bright. It’s like the sun that outshines all other stars along this street. It makes the others dim in comparison. It’s so bright outside, but inside it’s even brighter. It’s like Taehyung. He’s beautiful outside, but he’s more beautiful inside. He’s the only one I see. He’s the only one I focus on.  
It’s like Taehyung.  
I know what I’m getting into when I go inside. I will be amazed by everything I see. I will fall in love with every piece I touch. And there will be that one stone that will call to me. It will make me happy by just looking at it. It will make me want it for myself. I want it for me, but I know I cannot afford it and the consequences that come with its price. I will be heartbroken. I will step outside, feeling lost and unhappy. It will be so dark and everything else will fade in the background.  
I turn away from the store. The more I think of it, the more it hurts me. I need to go see Taehyung and just rip off the band aid. I’ve been brave for the last three months since I met him. I’m going to be brave once again today.  
I look at the piece of paper in my hand and breathe. Hard. I’m going to see him again.

After navigating through the never-ending streets of the city, I finally made it in front of the place this piece of paper has led me. In front of me is a studio that has an overhead illuminated sign in Japanese characters. The sign on the glass door says the establishment is closed, but the door is not locked. The street is pretty deserted of people. No one can witness the torment I’m experiencing right now. I exhale and push the door before me.  
Welcomed by a dim-lit hallway, I explore the place looking for light, and at the end of darkness is a room filled with me and my presence.  
It’s all me.  
I bring my hand to my chest.  
My face, my body, every detail of me. They’re all hanging on the wall.  
That first night in Basel. I was sitting across from him, smiling to his camera, already at ease with a stranger I just met. I looked so carefree. I looked so innocent. I was standing before him by the Rhine river, mild wind blowing my hair all over the place. I looked so carefree. I looked so innocent.  
That train ride to Rivas. I was sitting across from him, looking outside the window, mesmerized by the beauty before me. So lighthearted, so excited.  
Those walks under the sun, along the vineyards and the lakeshore. I was leading him, looking at him from behind me, smiling. Intoxicated, sunkissed, smiling, but my heart was heavy. I was walking beside him, gazing up the sky. Intoxicated, sunkissed, smiling, now my heart was light. Freed.  
That second night in Basel. I was singing in front of strangers. I was in my own world singing to myself. I looked so carefree. So vulnerable. So open. But so much free.  
So free.  
That night in the hotel and the morning that followed. Those video calls. Those little moments I was missing him so much. That afternoon in the beach when we kissed for the first time, and the day that followed when we kissed again and again and so much more.  
That precious night I wish I could forget. The desire, the urgency, the richness of our touch, all of these will forever be in my mind and now immortalized on these walls.  
This is me. And him.  
My feelings and my presence are dripping in all of these frames before me, and so are his. I can feel his pure adoration for me with the way he captured every detail of me, even those little things I don’t notice myself.  
I see me through his eyes. The softness, the beauty, the mystery, the sadness, the vulnerability. These things I find hard to see in myself, now I can see through his eyes. Through his art.  
But he’s not here.  
I look around me, but I can’t see a glimpse of him.  
He has prepared all of this for me. He wants me to see the art he has made through me.  
And all I want to do right now is hug him and kiss him, but I know I can’t, because even with all the love emanating in all the corners of this room, goodbyes are also plastered behind these frames.  
He wants to say goodbye through this.  
My heart feels so heavy. I turn away and walk toward the door. I cannot be here anymore.  
“Wheein,” a deep voice calls out to me.  
I turn my head and look at Taehyung emerging from a corner. He looks so reserved and so full of anguish. It almost feels like he’s a mirror perfectly reflecting my emotions.  
“You came,” he said softly like he’s not believing it himself.  
I face him and try to get words to come out of my lips, but I can’t. So I look down and pretend I don’t want to stare at him all day.  
“I don’t know why I did this,” he says. “It’s an impulse. I guess I just want to show how beautiful you are to me.”  
I look up and stare into his eyes. We are standing in this small room full of my photos, but somehow his eyes are the ones that captivate me the most. He doesn’t need to speak for me to know why he did this. His eyes speak for himself. He’s saying goodbye.  
“Thank you,” I finally say. “You made me look and feel so beautiful even to myself. I’ve never seen myself like the way you do. I feel like I’m looking through rose-colored glasses. You see all the beauty and vulnerability inside me, and I’m thankful. You see me as a person of my own no matter how many flaws I have. You make me see how beautiful I am even with all this baggage.” I purse my lips and then remember that I’m also here to give him something.  
I reach into my bag and pull out a paper I’ve been holding out for so long.  
“I want to give this to you,” I say and hand him my sketch of him that has stayed unfinished. “Maybe if we meet in another universe where we can live as free souls, you can give this back to me and I’ll draw you again, this time with colors so bright I will never have to forget you.”  
He looks at the paper in his hands, and suddenly, a tear has dropped and melted with the charcoal. Taehyung looks up at me and gives me a sad smile.  
“Wheein,” he whispers again before he pulls me for the tightest hug we have ever shared. I melt into his touch and give in to my emotions.  
I cry.  
And I cry with him.  
“Is this really goodbye?” he asks. “Why are we always saying goodbye? Why can’t we be happy?”  
I stay quiet and mourn for the love that hasn’t blossomed in spring yet but has to die in this autumn.  
“You’re the best thing that has happened to me. You’re my muse and my masterpiece, but why do I have to let you go?” His voice. The emotions in his voice are so strong it makes me want to cry more.  
I pull back and smile at him through my tears. I step back so I wouldn’t have any excuses to hold onto him. “Maybe there’s a reason why everything is not working well for us. Maybe there’s a better time for us. We both know that if we push this now, we’re only going to make everything worse.”  
He nods.  
“Like what you said before, let’s say goodbye beautifully, so all of these memories will stay beautiful.”  
He reaches out to touch my hand, and I let him. His hands are so big they fully envelope the small of mine. It reminds me of when he asked to hold my hand that one afternoon. He said hello with these hands, and now he’s saying goodbye in the same way.  
“I will long for you, but I will wait for that time when we can finally be free, Wheein,” he says, hope drizzles in his tone.  
I nod with a smile. “I will wait for that time, too.”  
“For now, let’s smile if we remember each other, looking forward to that time.”  
I nod again and just stare at him. He’s so beautiful I almost don’t want to say goodbye, but we both know this is the end.  
For now.  
And maybe we can continue this story of us in a more perfect time.  
But for now, I’ll leave this place without him, and even when I see him again tomorrow or all the days after, all I will have in my heart is peace that both of us will wait for that time.  
I look at him one last time. I give his hand a tug before I move forward and reach to him and kiss him softly on the lips.  
He holds me at the waist and kisses me back.  
I smile in our kiss and wipe the welling tears in his eyes.  
This is my goodbye, Taehyung.  
I pull back and smile at him again. He does the same and lets me go.  
I turn my back from him and quietly leave through the door, peace and understanding raining over us.

I will miss you. I love you.  
Goodbye.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow @withlove_wi in Twitter for updates.
> 
> Follow Wheein's IG please! https://www.instagram.com/whee_inthemood <3


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